Delightfully Inappropriate

The Iliad: Ted Edition

2010-02-09T16:18:00.004-05:00

NOTE* This story actually occurred about three to four weeks ago.

God love him because I know his genes are responsible for my blonde hair (which is a vision if I do say so myself) and ability to be over-dramatic but my dad is too much for me to handle sometimes. Not only does dear ol' dad (to whom I affectionately call 'Ted' on a regular basis but only behind his back because he'd get piiissssed if I did it to his face) send me 'fun' emails in which he writes the way the cool hip kids (of age 13) would speak (i.e. Wadda ya up to? Well I'ma jus' sittin' here thinkin' about what're we gunnah have fur dinner...etc). But one of the things he does that kills me the most is his recounting of an event (he is severely lacking in skillzzz in this department). You see, Ted tells stories like they're the soap opera version of The Iliad: overly dramatic and entirely too long. Not only that, but he also has to retell them AT LEAST fifteen times and if all fifteen times are to the exact same person then so be-it. Take tonight's story for instance:

Ted: So Jack from across the street came over today.

(pause here for look of shock and awe...and dramatic effect)

Me: Okay.

Ted: APPARently (yes over emphasize the first half of the word) someone broke in so he was asking if we'd seen anything suspicious around their house lately.

Me: Oh. Well that's unfortunate...

Ted: sooo...(pause here for about a minute and a half -seriously) he said it's the THIRD break-in they've had...they stole a big wide-screen TV not even out of the box yet.

Me: I see...

(Pause here for another minute and a half to two minutes)

Ted: So if you leave the house...make sure you put the alarm on and everything.

Me (thinking): Like I've done since we got the alarm system when I was in. ooohhh sayyy 3rd grade? Side note* I'm 23 now with two undergraduate degree...

Me (actually said): ...Will do Pops...

So not only did I have to sit through this, and I shit you not when I say this, 25 minute ordeal, I had to listen to it ALL OVER AGAIN when my mom called from San Francisco to check in from her business meeting. There goes 50 minutes of my life I will never get back. *sigh*

Fucktard drivers piss me off.

2010-02-06T22:43:00.005-05:00

Alright. Here is the first entry I ever wrote for the blog I never had as briefly referenced in my introductory post. It might be a little rough but I feel like I've gone over it a million times trying to make it as good as possible for you folks at home! (Basically go easy on a girl...I'm a [blog] virgin...touched for the very first time?)

Bad drivers really piss me off. Why is it that no one knows how to drive anymore? It used to be only when in-climate weather hit or one was in Ohio and now it's as if all hell broke loose...on the interstate/by-pass/regular street in the suburbs where people are just trying to raise their toddlers. At least three different incidents happened to me on my way home from work at the Fuckit Mall this afternoon all of which pissed me off causing lots of honking, cursing, flipping off, my blood-pressure to raise, etc.

Is it too much to ask that you choose ONE of the two lanes available for vehicles going in your direction to drive in? Yes. I get it you have a huge ass truck. (I feel as though a little penis joke is too easy here yes? Um no.) Quit compensating for how little your fucking dick is. However, Evelyn and I do not take up too much room and would only like to get past you because we just want to get home and at this point you've been unabashedly straddling the line for about ten miles (ok probably more like point five) and we're worried you might be drunk. Just because it's 5 o'clock SOMEWHERE ELSE does not mean you can take advantage of this fact at 10am HERE and then drive somewhere. Choose a fucking lane you ignorant redneck fucktard.

If your in a TURN LANE how about actually TURNING instead of proceeding to go straight through the intersection almost sending not only me but those surrounding me to our most imminent death?...dickhole...Didn't mean to get into the turn lane? That's ok. It happens to me all the time. Do I wait for the light to turn green so I can put the pedal to the metal and cut off those who were smart/coherent enough to get into the correct lane? Absolutely not. Just make the fucking turn and pull a three point switcheroo (somewhere SAFE like someone's driveway OR you could even pull one of those handy things we call a U-turn or circle around the parking lot the possibilities are endless) and pull back out onto the road you meant to stay on at the appropriate time (i.e. at a green light with a protected arrow).

Lastly, lord knows I'm guilty of using a cell phone whilst in the driver's seat but before you go and get all 'but I've been in the car while you drove and used your cell phone simultaneously' on me at least I don't look directly DOWN at my cell phone while I'm using it. DOWN, as in eyes are not on the road, i could admire how clean and white and pristine I've kept my 6 month old K Swisses (sidenote* does anyone wear those anymore?), DOWN. I understand that your (probably guido) boyfriend needs reassurance (yet again) that he is the most jacked/ most gelled/ is more situation-y than Mike "The Situation" guy there is out there, but really, at least hold it above the steering wheel out in front of your fucking face so at least your peripherals will (maybe) catch if you begin to veer into oncoming traffic. Further more, I've navigated my phone enough to be able to manipulate what I want from it without needing to look at all the buttons all the time (like hitting the send button).
Perhaps everyone should be forced to retake drivers ed. If you're a competent driver (like myself...most of the time...I'm not claiming perfection here) than you should have nothing to worry about. However, if you are a ride-the-center-lane-er/proceed-to-drive-straight-in-a-turn-lane-go-er/ drive-and-text-while-looking-down-er/ from Ohio sign up for a class near you. On second thought do the rest of us a favor, stop being a fucktard and go ahead and turn your license in now and take the mass transit system.

Winifred

That's WINIFRED...not Winfrey as in Oprah...

2010-02-05T20:03:00.002-05:00

Ahhhh soooo long time reader first time blogger, Winifred, here...actually that issss a blatant...lie...I used to read the ol' blog but then pesky things like school and bills and drinking got ranked higher on the totem pole. It is my first time blogging though. It all started a few weeks ago when I was on my way home from my job at what I like to refer to as The Fuckit Mall. Really. That place blows the biggest dick I've never even seen. I hate it. On a daily basis it sucks out what little of a soul I was able to grow back overnight. ANYWAY. I was on my way home and Evelyn (my car) and I were putzing along jamming to some great tunes when HOE-rendous driver after HOE-rendous driver continued to offend me with their driving skills (or lack there of as the case may be). So once I finally made it home after multiple flips of the bird, honks, near-death experiences, etc I decided I was fired up enough to make a blog entry about it...for the blog I DON'T HAVE!!! There I said it. I'm pathetic enough to write blog entries for a blog that doesn't exist. Well maybe one day I would have one. One of my very own! One that I could decorate anyway I wanted to! What? Oh...blogging...right. So needless to say I spoke with Rose about coming (heh heh coming...as in cumming? haahahaha yup that's right i giggle at what one might call 'delightfully inappropriate' things? See what I did there?!) AAANNNYYYYWWAAAAYYYYY...Sister Rose told me to write an introductory post so here it is. And you can look forward to more cursing, inappropriate sex jokes, complaining about pointless things I actually do myself, etc.

Winifred

stupid broken organ.

2009-12-07T15:41:00.004-05:00

Wow. I can't believe it has been almost a month since I've written! Exactly 5 days after my last post (which would have been November 17th), I had an emergency appendectomy (which would be why it's taken so long to write again!).

I was sick for 6 weeks. (yes, six very long, very excruciating weeks!). I had bronchitis, I had a sinus infection, I was throwing up for no reason, I had a cough and was literally turning into a snotface! The three days before I had surgery I threw up everything I tried to eat.

On Tuesday morning (November 17th), my Mom told me that I looked ghostly pale and suggested that I stay home from work. I looked at her and said "Mom, I've been sick for six solid weeks. Nothing is going to change today; I may as well go to work."

So off I went.

At work I joked around with a friend how I felt like I wasn't really sick but I was being poisoned slowly by someone I knew (I was watching Nip/Tuck the night before!), I just needed to figure out who was poisoning me and for what reason!

Around 10 that morning my stomachache started migrating toward my right side. I just knew it was either my period or appendicitis. Around noon the pain started increasing so I decided it would probably be best to leave for the day.

In the 20 minute drive from work to my Dad's office (I wanted to talk to my Mom) the pain amplified. I could barely get out of the car and couldn't stand upright. As soon as I saw my mom I burst into tears and said "Something is very wrong." She called the doctor and they set up an appointment for 3:30. I tried to sleep in my Dad's office while waiting the three hours until it was time to see the doctor. Around 3 I couldn't take the pain anymore and told Mom that I needed to go immediately. Every bump in the car sent radiating pain through my side.

The doctor took me right on back. I explained to him the pain I was having in my side and he examined me. When he touched my side I almost punched him in the face it hurt so bad. He said he thought it was the appendix & that I needed to go to the hospital for further testing. Before I left his office he gave me a shot of some sort of heaven. Took all the pain away for about an hour.

I got checked into the hospital around 4 and had a CT (probably 5ish...I had to drink that chalk crap). While waiting for the results to come back from the CT, my doctor came in and prescribed morphine for me as the meds from his office had worn off. As soon as the nurse gave me my dose of it, I felt a burning sensation in my throat and I could see a rash developing on my arm. My Mom said my eyes rolled back in my head and I plopped my head back on the pillow... I'm obviously allergic to Morphine! Doc was still nearby so he was able to give me a huge dose of benedryl and *voila* I was good again. However, after that I was only allowed Demerol!

The results came back around an hour after the CT scan. I was on the operating table less than half an hour after that. Luckily, my appendix hadn't ruptured but it was close; the doctor sent home pictures and you can see where it was bulging out. I am so lucky I went to the doctor when I did! The doctor was able to do it laproscopically and I ended up with an inch long scar under my boobs and a small one on my panty line and right under my belly button. Not so bad!

I ended up having 2 weeks off work. (Thank you, Thanksgiving for giving me a couple extra days off!) After two years of employment (which for me was about 2 weeks before my appendix went bust), we get 6 weeks paid time off for emergencies which was amazing since I didn't have enough sick time to cover the entire absence! It also looks like I will only have about $2,500 worth of medical bills too (which seems like a lot, but the surgery alone was $17,000).

It all happened so fast... less than 12 hours from the start of the pain until surgery! So yeah, I'm back and better than ever!

This post is already long enough, so I'll have part 2 coming up soon.... The surgeon who didn't want to do my surgery & the recovery nurse from hell are up next!!

Appendix free is the way to be!
Rose

the un-tag

2009-11-12T21:35:00.004-05:00

Tonight I finally did it: I deleted and untagged all the Sam & Rose pictures on facebook. It took for.ev.er. (I removed him as my friend months ago when it was still to hard to see skanks posting pictures with him & writing on his wall)

I have no feelings for him at this point. We can't be friends. Since I ended it, I find him to be a pompous and arrogant asshole. When hearts are broken, people change. He changed...and in my opinion not for the better (but does that even matter? no.) Some people are able to walk away from relationships with knowledge they didn't previously have & others, well they don't.

Things I learned:
-I learned that letting your boyfriend buy you a yorkie after dating for 3 months is not a good idea; the dog will be the one caught in the middle.
-I learned that divorcees = disaster (at least for me!)
-I learned to NEVER change myself for the person I'm dating, it will only bite me in the ass later.
-I learned the qualities I need in a relationship (and the ones I don't want!).
-I learned to still schedule times to be with my friends; I'll regret it when we've grown apart.
-I learned to go into relationships with eyes wide open.
-I learned that I am lovable.
-I learned that my family and friends do know me better than I think and I should value and listen to their opinions.
-I learned to rely on other people
-I learned it's way more fun to roadtrip with a best friend to a wedding than to go with a boyfriend (Holla, Jill!)
-I learned that heavily medicating myself does work, but only for a short amount of time...sooner or later I'll have to deal.
-I learned that it is possible to start life over.

Looking back, I think I always knew it wouldn't work. I wouldn't change it though. If nothing else, it was one helluva learning experience.

xoxo,
Rose

quarter-life crisis

2009-11-06T08:31:00.003-05:00

I'm fairly certain that I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. A lot of little things have been accumulating for quite some time now (honestly, it's nothing worth posting about!). I came across this writing last night & liked it... I think it does a pretty good job at explaining everything. I hope everyone has a splendid weekend!
-R

The Quarter-Life Crisis
By: Unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd & start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

hey, pretty lady. won't you give me a sign?

2009-11-02T08:40:00.005-05:00

So, I have John on the back burner and I kind of like it that way. I'm the one holding the cards (well, I'm ALWAYS the one holding the cards). I know he'll jump at the chance to have me again.

This is our text convo from Friday night.
John: I just took a picture with some children for Halloween that are dressed up like me. That makes me a hero! (John works at UPS)
Rose: Can I see your package again?
J: Anytime, lady!
R: How's tonight? (I had zero intention of seeing him that night. I was with Jill & our friend Luke)
J: Seriously? I can't tonight; I already have plans. Do you want to go out with us or maybe we can hang out tomorrow?
R: Eh, maybe another time

---Fast forward to Sunday---
Luke, my mom & I frequent an auction house almost every Sunday. We check out the men, buy some antiques and just have a lazy afternoon. It's a great way to end the weekend. Luke and I are sitting in the first row just jabbering about nothing important with my sister (who occasionally comes too).

This was our conversation:

Luke (pointing to the door): Oh my God. That guy is fucking hot.
I look to my right and who do I see? John. FML.
Rose: "Holy Fuck, L. That's John!"
Luke: "Jesus, he is beautiful, Rose! Is he the one you slept with? Why aren't you sleeping with him right now?"
R: "Shut the fuck up, L. My sister doesn't know I slept with him. The sex is mediocre, remember the conversation we had about it on Friday? Ok, shhhh now."
L: "Well, if you don't want to fuck him, I will."
R: "I hate you."
...Meanwhile....
Sister: "Rose! There's John! Go talk to him!!! You all are so darling together."
R: "Sis, shut up. There isn't anything there."
S: "Um, I'm fairly certain there is."
R: "Nope. Nothing. We don't even have a single thing to talk about."
S: "You love him. I know it."
(Cue Rose's exit to the bathroom)

Side Note: The reason my sister doesn't know we've slept together is because she's all "You love him. You all are soul mates. You've always loved him. You'll get married, I just know it. He worked an entire summer to get a limo to take you to prom. Don't you remember how much fun we all used to have in high school?? " When I explain to her that we have nothing to talk about she still thinks it will happen. She doesn't seem to get it that it was 10 years ago. People change a lot in 10 years. It's annoying and I don't want to tell her that we have a purely sexual relationship. That will open up the floor for a major lecture. ...but I digress.

First of all, I never run into him in public. Ever. I only see him when I want. Second of all, it's a wee bit awkward to see him outside of the bedroom. I intentionally didn't go talk to him (I hold the cards, remember?). We sent a couple text messages back & forth while he was there.

But at least I know that if it gets bad enough I can always call him. I just want to use that as my last option because I'd rather not have sex than have mediocre sex.

...maybe I'll send him a good morning text right now. Maybe not. :)

Ex's & Oh's,
Rose

<3

2009-10-31T18:40:00.003-04:00

I fell in love with Damien Rice when I first heard him in 2003.

It reminds me of my freshman year of college. My roommate, the girl next door and I would hang out the window of our third floor dorm room and spit sunflower seeds (classy, no?) while gossiping & listening to Damien Rice.

We actually got to see him perform in Cincinnati that year on Easter. It was amazing.

I was feeling a bit nostalgic and decided to youtube some of his videos. I came across this video (one I've never seen) and fell in love. It's an amazing version of one of my favorite Damien Rice songs and I adore the way it's filmed. I figured I would share

<3,
Rose.

I need ooh la la la la

2009-10-29T15:01:00.000-04:00

I just spent an obscene amount of time looking at sexinfo101 sex positions on my phone. When I should have been working.

I haven't had sex in a hot minute. Like I think the last time was beginning of August, maybe earlier. I'm going with beginning of August so I'm not AS depressed about this as I could be. This is the longest I've ever gone without any type of ANYTHING. I haven't even kissed anyone.

Plus, my vibrator went ka-put. I'm not kidding. So I bought 2 more (see #11) because I knew they wouldn't compare. They don't, of course.

All i know is that 3 months is a very. fucking. long. time.

I feel like my brain is going to explode. Or my body. Because all I think about is sex...

Does this make me a masochist?! ...Or am I just thinking like a man?
Rose

P.S. This song is just sex.

Fall

2009-10-29T08:34:00.008-04:00

I always have mixed feelings on the season. I love summer, I hate winter. Spring is what leads into summer so it's okay in my book. But fall leads to winter. Bleh.

I love the colors of fall. The deep oranges, maroons, reds, yellows & browns. I love the smell of the first fire being lit in a home. I love that I get to pull out my sweaters, cardigans, hoodies, boots, mittens & scarves. I get to enjoy hot chocolate, football games and jumping into piles of leaves. I love the crisp mornings of the first frosts. I always look forward to carving pumpkins (I once carved Shakespeare!) Vanilla chai lattes and bowls of chili help round out this season. Oh, and can't forget Halloween & Thanksgiving, too.

The movie American Beauty has a line that explains exactly how I feel right now...

"...but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."

Here are some pictures of Kentucky in the fall. They aren't wonderful as I took them with my phone. The colors of fall are magnificent.

<3,
Rose

Sitting there...waiting...take me on back...

2009-10-26T15:22:00.005-04:00

Rose is currently sitting in our gynocologist's waiting room...yes we have the same gyno...
To ease some of her pre-"spread your legs as wide as possible" jitters Rose took a swig of some pretty intense cough medicine. I also decided that I should take a swig of my intense cough medicine as well (we both had the flu last week)...We have been text messaging for the past 30 minutes...

Jill: What does a 400 lb woman and a cement block have in common? Sooner or later they will both get laid by a Mexican (disclaimer: I have no problem with 400 lb. women, or mexicans...keep in mind I'm just trying to ease Rose's nerves...)
Rose: Haaaaahahaaaaa.
Jill: How do they differ? When you lay a cement block it doesn't follow you around for the next month.
Rose: I am sitting by a huuuuuuuuuuuuge white bitch right now. I think she *could* be hiding a baby under all her lovin'.
Jill: Or she could be baking a turkey in that oven.
Rose: Hahaha. I am so fucked up right now. You are crackin' me up.
Rose: or she could be skinny like a snake. But she just ate a pug so she's big in the middle.
Jill: It's definitely possible. You should look her in the eyes or get her to stick out her tongue.
Rose: No, she's got a sketch pot with her who probably wants to do dirty things with me. I can't be tempting him with all this sexiness.
Jill: Ha. Is he mexican?
Rose: No. I think he may look like an uglier and more poor Patrick Swayze...but I am took scared to really look.
Rose: I'm trying not to cough because there was a sign that said if you have a cough, wear a mask. I am not about that. I reeealy need to cough though. Fuck. My. Life.
Rose: P.S. I am glad you make yourself available to talk to me while I sit here. It really helps when people reply.
Jill: I'm your bitch...haha. You talked to me via text the entire time I was getting the IUD implanted.
Rose: Yeah. That made my vag hurt thinking about it.
Jill: Geeze. You can totally tell our gyno is a female. A man would jump at the opportunity to have a woman go all spread eagle in the stirrups...there would never be a wait.
Rose: I don't want a man Dr...if a man is poking around in the downtown train station it better be with his pody parts...Not stirrups.
Jill: Let's hope the train conductor is sexy.
Rose: No kidding.
Rose: Dude, our Doctor is a female.
Rose: Ohhh. I just got that. Laksjodifuaosfahahaha.
Rose: Patrick is sitting next to the woman now. He has his head in his hand staring at her. He may as well have hearts coming out of his eyes. Woof.
Rose: Okay. My appointment was 10 minutes ago. Don't they know cough syrup has a life span?
Rose: Jesus Christ. I swear touching God's face...they are having a tickle fight. Now his legs are on her. WTF? I am so sicked out right now. SHe just asked if they could get a mani/pedi after.
*Rose then sent me a picture of the man walking away, except I couldn't make out anything but a purse.*
Rose: The receptionist just asked me if I had an appointment. Pretty sure I don't normally sit in the gyno office for shits and grins. Plus, I signed in. And gave her my new insurance card.
Jill: Stupid bitch.
Rose. I would be so pissed off it I didn't. I would strip down and be like "I am not wasting good drugs. Examine me." She just checked...I do have an appointment.
Jill: Goooood.
Jill: While we are talking about the downtown train station...we are invited to a Fun Party!!!
Rose: Dude. I just asked the bald nurse if I could use the bathroom and she said "Make the bladder gladder!"
Jill: Was it the gray headed, weird one? You should have said, "Makes the floor wetter if you don't show me where the bathroom is." I apparently have pent up anger and aggression today.
Rose: I couldn't think of anything except balding.
Jill: It is now 45 minutes past appointment time.
Rose: I have anxiety.
Jill: Just think it will all be over in 30 minutes.
Rose: My insurance changed. Fucking $50 co-pay.
Jill: Dude, that sucks.
Rose: Blood test and exam done. I am peacing the fuck out of here.
Jill: WHOO!!!!!

Rose and I thought you all might get a laugh out of this normal conversation between us....hope you enjoyed.

Happy Monday to you all.
<3,
Rose and Jill

worth the wait.

2009-10-23T11:03:00.001-04:00

Obviously I couldn't come up with something legit to write about yesterday. Waiting until today was a brilliant idea. I have a decent (if strange) topic to blog about.

I needed to make a trip to the local Wal-Mart (why, oh why is Target so far away?!) last night. Apparently I should have just gone to Target during my lunch break because my local store is apparently where all the creep status people hang out at night.

I went in on a mission. Yoga blocks. I grabbed my yoga blocks and several Naked smoothies (um, my absolute FAVORITE!) for the week. I went to the check out and of course all of the quick lanes were closed. I headed to one of the shorter check out lanes and got in line.

There were two people ahead of me, a woman with bleached blonde hair (dark roots, of course) with a shit ton of groceries and a ginger man with groceries as well. I was about to drop the smoothies (I had 2 of the big ones and 3 small ones and no basket) so when the ginger directly in front of me moved up a bit, I sat my drinks on the conveyor.

Apparently to him that meant I wanted to strike up a conversation.

He looked at what I was buying and started talking to me about the drinks. I immediately new this kid was weird. And quite possibly gay (I was relieved when he started talking and I knew he wasn't going to hit on me or ask for my number).

He told me he didn't like one of the flavors I was buying. He went on to tell me about another type of smoothie available that I should try. Blah, blah, blah. I avoided eye contact because he was starting to creep me out. No one should talk THAT much about a smoothie. I mean, I can deal with a short friendly conversation in the line at the supermarket if need be, but I prefer not to talk to anyone.

Finally he stopped talking. I engrossed myself with the gum hoping he would not feel the urge to strike up conversation round two.

I would say 30 seconds went by in silence.

Then he looked at me and said...

"Do you like pickles?"

I know I had the "what the fuck are you talking about?" look on my face. There are not pickles in smoothies. I looked around to see what he was talking about. I then saw that he had pickles in with his groceries, but he had quite a few groceries. It's not like he was just buying a a jar of pickles. I feel like the question came out of left field.

Words failed me. I couldn't come up with a good come back. I couldn't come up with anything. I didn't want to say yes because I didn't want to find out why he was asking. I just said "No." End of conversation.

He took forever to grab his bags. I immediately called Jill because I honestly felt like this guy was going to try and walk me to my car or something.

I'm still flabbergasted by the question. I'm sitting at my desk trying to figure out why in the hell you would ask a stranger if they like pickles... Maybe he was going to give me a recipe?

I just don't get it.

What's the dill, pickle?
Rose.

blogging fail.

2009-10-22T15:06:00.003-04:00

I've been sitting at my desk trying to figure out what topic I would like to write about today.

I have so many different ideas swirling around in my head (including, but not limited to: sex, Kings of Leon concert, dating (or lack thereof), sex, jail, back packing through Europe in April, sex, needing a change, having my anchor removed, sex).

I've started several different entries but haven't written more than a couple sentences for each.

The words aren't coming out the way I would like them to today.

I'll try again. If something magical happens today, I'll post it.

-Rose

P.S. I think everyone should see "Where the Wild Things Are"

Anchors Away!

2009-10-16T10:07:00.011-04:00

There was some interest in my chest piercing. It can either be called a microdermal or anchor. This isn't going to be the best blog post ever; mainly just explaining it.

You can stay tuned for an awesome post about our Kings of Leon concert night

I've always dug anchors. I think they are totally bad ass. I've always heard that they were permanent, meaning once it's in, it's in for life. Seeing I have no tattoos or anything permanent on my body this of course freaked me the fuck out.

My sister has recently lost a ton of weight and wanted to get her hips pierced. Being a bit of a piercing pro, she asked me to go with her. She originally wanted surface piercings which have a really high rejection rate (about 80%). After talking to our piercer she explained that if an anchor is done correctly, it has a rejection rate of about 2-3%. She also told us that although we can't take the piece out ourselves, we can always come back to the shop where she can remove it. Semi-permanent .... Sounds perfect! She showed us her scar from where she had one (seriously, it looked like a tiny pimple).

She then showed us the jewelry. Below is a picture that shows what an anchor looks like and how it goes into your skin. you can see where the screw actually sits flush to your skin and your stud of choice screws in (we both chose diamonds). The holes (in the top) are for your skin to grow through to secure the anchor and the anchor actually only goes about 2mm under your skin.

My sister went first and winced. She screamed. She squeezed my hand until I thought I was going to cry. She then offered to pay for me to get mine done (which was about $75). I just chose a place I wanted and did it. Live fast, die young..right?

First the piercer pinched my skin over and over to loosen it up. It actually kind of hurt where I had it done because there isn't much skin there. The piercer pierced a hole in my skin (I didn't watch so I'm not sure if she did a dermal punch or with a needle).

As you can see, the the entrance hole and the back and front don't exactly line up. The piercer had to push and pry the anchor down to make sure it was in the correct position. It seriously hurt like a motherfucker. As soon as it was in place, I stood up and had a look.

It only hurt for the first 2 days maybe. It feels fine now and I can touch it (although I avoid doing that at all cost!) I've had it for 2 weeks today. In another 4 I can get the top diamond screw changed (there are colored gems and all that). Although in my opinion it hurt more than a normal piercing, the quick healing time is much worth it.

I actually wished I had chosen to move it up a little higher on my chest. TMI, but my boobs kind of squish together and put pressure on it when I sleep and irritate it a bit and I think it's moved it's placement. Also, depending on the bra I wear, it's placement is different. I sometimes have to adjust my boobs to make the piercing in the middle. I do like that it is hideable though, I actually have my shirt pulled down a bit in all of the pictures.

I like it. I'm not in love with it. I think I would be in love with it if it were a tad bit higher... I think it's cool and I don't know anyone else who has it.

So here are some pictures I know you all want to see. Forgive me for the quality (they were taken with my camera phone), for the inconsistency of the pictures (it's kind of hard to take multiple pictures of your boobs from the exact same angle!) and wearing the same necklace 2 times (but I just LOVE it)

This is right after it was implanted. Note how red my skin is around it from all of the pinching.
I know you've seen this picture, but this is what it looked like during week 1:

This was earlier this week. Maybe Monday?
Today: Sorry it's hard to see, I took this in the bathroom at work!

So yeah. Those are my boobs & that's my anchor. I'll let you all know when I decide to remove it!

-Rose

long time, no blog.

2009-10-09T11:50:00.021-04:00

Hello Everyone. Yes, I've been a slacker. Yes, my "Summer Slump" is over. Well, I've said that before but this time I'm actually going to stick with it. I know I'm a shitty blogger and a shitty commenter. Even if I don't comment, it does not mean I don't read your blog (I do! What else do you do at work?!). If we don't follow you and you follow us; let us know. We want to read about your lives too!

Anyway.

I've decided to give you the updated life via pictures from my phone. This could get interesting :)

I turned 24.I was given more presents than I deserved including the coach purse below (with matching clutch), a camera and tickets to see KINGS OF LEON tomorrow... from Jill!

I quit smoking. Bye, Bye Marlboro Menthol Lights. Today is day 30 of being cigarette smoke free, thanks to Chantix. My Mom offered to pay for the prescription (about $150 a month for at least 3 months)

I've done massive amounts of shopping. I've always been a bit obsessed with vintage things and shopping. I've found a couple cute vintage stores and an auction that has things for relatively cheap. Here are some of my buys!

Whale necklace bought off Etsy

Vintage ring made out of an earring. I've decided I can totally make these and I will FINALLY have a use for tons of inherited clip-on earrings!
I am slightly obsessed with this lamp. It's my new lover. You can't tell by the picture, but it's huge. Like half my body.

Wine Wednesday. A new tradition of getting plowed and cooking a decent meal on Wednesday nights. This started to get expensive, so we have decided to only have it once a month.

I got a Microdermal / Anchor. Between my boobs. You can see the picture below, it's not a great one but it shows the placement. If you all want to know the story, I'll tell it in a later blog.
Yeah, I have a ton of pictures. Most aren't appropriate. Some have my face in them; some are completely freaking random.

I'll give it an honest effort to continue blogging. I <3 you all and miss you!

Yours,
Rose.

Am I going to die?

2009-10-08T14:55:00.004-04:00

Back a few months ago, I moved to Redneck City, KY. Of course, it's not really called Redneck City but probably should be. Anyway, my roommate and I have had our fair share of bonfires, camping trips and shooting guns in the past few months that we decided to change things up a bit. We went hiking.

Now, hiking I can do (or so I thought). I figured we would drive to some place in the Red River Gorge, park the car, get out and walk a bit then return. I figured wrong.

We end up going to Pilot's Knob. I had heard about Pilot's Knob in one of my Kentucky History classes during college but never really considered how one would get up there. I got out of the car, looked around and saw a trail going off to the left. It looked easy enough.

We start walking down the trail, talking, having a good time. Meg (my roommate) starts telling me about the last time she hiked up to Pilot's Knob. She's using phrases such as "I thought I was going to die" and "It was pure hell on Earth." So, I start asking questions...

First Question:

How far will we be walking?

Answer:

It's about a mile and half up and a mile and half down, but don't worry about the down part of it...you'll be sliding the entire way.

Second Question:

Sliding?

Answer:

Yes, sliding on your butt. It's faster and easier that way.

Third Question:

How far up are we going?

Answer:

All the way. To the peak of the hill.

**by hill, they actually meant mountain**

Fourth Question:

Am I going to die?

Answer:

No one answered.

We continue walking **and by walking I mean climbing** up this so called hill. I'm not lying when I say that it was straight up the entire way. Occasionally you would come across a ridge and be on flat ground for like 10 steps. Anyway, we get about 1/4 of the way up and my face is blood red and I'm out of breath. I stopped, looked around and decided that this trip was not for me. I considered walking back down. However, I continued.

I finally get up to the top after puking twice and wanting to die. Now, I have to say this...I'm allergic to onions and I had eaten something that had either touched or had onions in/on it that day. I maintain the stance that this is what caused me to puke.

It was absolutely gorgeous at the top. You could see both Lexington and Richmond, KY. We stayed up on the knob for about 15 minutes then started our descent.

We literally slid down on our butts the entire way down. My ass looked like I had shit myself about 15 times from all the mud on me. However, this was the most fun I've had in a long time. Imagine a 700 foot slide. It was great! Meg ripped open the back of her pants. She totally lost the pocket to her jeans!

If you all are around the KY area and like hiking I would definitely recommend visiting Pilot's Knob...just be prepared.

<3,>

Jill

First time in Over a Month...

2009-10-02T15:26:00.004-04:00

Yeah, bet that got your attention...

This is the first time in over a month that I have even checked the blog. Our friend Mary reminded Rose and me that the summer blog-procrastination must end!

So, I see where Rose has done the "Expose Yourself" blog...However, since I got your hopes up with the title I figure I'll do the "Expose Yourself" blog as well (don't worry though, I've been storing up some inappropriate blogs for you all of which will be posted for your reading pleasure).

The rules state: Tell us 3 things about your sex life. You can make them whatever you want and it doesn't necessarily have to pertain to your current partner (or a partner at all for that matter). You can talk about your likes or dislikes, your kinky fetishes or your secret desires. You can tell us a funny story about the time you were having sex in the woods with your old boyfriend and you both ended up with 1,000 tics. Whatever you want... its totally up to you.

1. I have a stockpile of vibrators. Some of which I have never even used. I figure, when one goes out I'll always have a spare (or several).

2. I once met a guy on hotornot.com. I decided to meet him. I'm classy. Turns out he knows my entire family. Anyway, we met had a great time....then we started fucking. Three years later and I still talk to him on occasion. Actually this past Monday we hooked up again. One night I met him at a library in town where I told him he needed a "study break". This study break ended up with us going on a country drive to a church parking lot where I proceded to give him a blow job. We ended up having sex in the back of his car, in the church parking lot. This took place on a Wednesday night...they had a few church members lingering around the church after Wednesday night services. I'm that girl.

3. I really don't have a favorite position. I can tell you that anything from behind and anything with legs over shoulders is good. I can also tell you that car hoods are the perfect height for sex. I can also tell you that nipple play is way under-rated. Yeah, I went there. Seriously though, it intensfies orgasms.

I'm going to pass this on to anyone who hasn't done it already...

-Jill

Expose Yourself

2009-08-23T21:38:00.003-04:00

I'm sure when Gina decided to tag us in the Expose Yourself thing she did it for two reasons.

1. She knew that one or both of us would do it (our blog isn't called Delightfully Inappropriate for nothing!)
2. She wanted us to get back to blogging!

I guess I should tell you who this is posting: Rose! If Jill wants to do it, she'll post a separate entry. Let's face it, we're huge slackers at blogging so you'll get two instead of one :)

1. I'm OBSESSED with this product called Liquid V for Women. The product claims to
"helps to stimulate and heighten the sensitivity in a woman's erogenous zone. This increases the rate of orgasms therefore making the moment one that can only be achieved with Liquid V." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever about all of that. All I know is when I dab a bit on my orgasms are better and quicker. I can't give a good enough review of this stuff. It may not work for everyone so I suggest getting a sample (there are little $4 samples which last quite a while at the check out counter of our Hustler)

2. I like it a bit rough. Push me around a little bit, bite me a little bit harder, slap my ass and pull my hair. I'm all yours if you do that.

3. I prefer missionary position. Don't get me wrong, I'll do it any which way, I don't really care... Missionary is just my favorite! How old school am I?

I hereby pass this award on to: ANYONE who feels brave enough to post it! Come on ladies, you know you want to!

The things you see...when you don't have a gun.

2009-08-19T14:48:00.005-04:00

Back in May I moved to a new town. I have had a few odd experiences in the little town but none compare to what happened last night.

I was driving home from work, it's about a 45 minute drive...depending on traffic it can take an hour. Anyway, I had worked overtime and was leaving work around 6:30pm. I get into my car, turn on the music, roll down the windows and get on my way. The drive was much as it is every day. Smoking cigarettes, trying not to fall asleep...you know, the usual. I get into my small town and decide that because it was a pretty day I'd drive around in the country for a bit, just to see what I could see.

I pull up next to this old black barn, it's falling apart and you can see straight through the side of it into the adjoining field. At this point I think I'm seeing things anyway because of how tired I was...I look over at the barn and see some people standing at the back of it. Okay whatever...it's time to hang tobacco so it's normal to see people congregating around barns waiting for the trailer full of tobacco to get there so it can be hung. I didn't see any tobacco in the fields around me, but still thought nothing of it. I drove a little bit more, but turns out the road I was on dead ended at the Kentucky River. I had two choices...either drive through the river (not going to happen) or turn around.

This time around I got a better look at the people standing by the barn. They were definitely not there to hang tobacco. They had a bonfire going with some sort of large animal on the fire. I've seen people burn animals that have died on farms before, it happens all the time actually. These people were not in "farm clothing"...not at all. Each person had on black pants and white shirts, what looked to be button up shirts.

At that point I decided it was best for me to pick up my speed and act like I hadn't seen a thing...of course I had to write a blog on it.

I'm sure it was some cult ritual. Of course I'm going to have to drive down there again and do some snooping...let's just hope I can remember what road I turned down!!

Oh the things you see when you don't have a gun. Haha.

<3,
Jill

25 Inappropriate Things About Jill

2009-08-13T15:13:00.002-04:00

I'm copying Rose on this one. I wanted to write something, but was having severe writer's block...so here it goes...25 Inappropriate Things About Me.

1. I have slept with over 25 people, in a matter of 5 years. It's only an average of 5 per year...However, the only guys I've slept with in the past two years are all repeats. Pretty much just cut that down to 25 guys in 3 years. Doesn't sound so good now huh?

2. I have 4 tattoos. My parents only know about two of them...

3. Some of you all will remember this from a previous post. Here it goes again...I slept with Rose's younger brother. He had just turned 18, I was 22.

4. I have one of the foulest mouths. I can drop "fuck" in a sentence 6 times without even noticing I'm doing it. I also really enjoy the words cunt and ass cobra.

5. I have had buttsex. Yes, I know Rose said this in hers...but not only have I done it once, I've done it 3 times. Not enjoyable at any point and time. I will not be doing this again. But hey, you've got to spice up the sex life somehow, right?

6. I tend to get tired of people quickly. So, when dating someone I usually end up going for the guys best friend. I have almost ruined several "bromances" due to this behavior. I'm not proud.

7. I have 5 vibrators. I only use one of them. It's rechargeable! It was also on sale for $60 from $150.

8. My word vomit is horrible. I have no verbal filter. I say what I think, at all times.

9. I think about sex more than a man. Seriously...sex, sex, sex.

10. I've been in the process of losing weight for a little over a year now. I'm not trying to lose it quickly, so I've only lost about 40 lbs since I started. I still look in the mirror and see what I used to. This works in my favor, guys now think I'm hot and because I'm not used to male attention like that I unintentionally blow them off and that turns them on. I win.

11. I can always get a good laugh off of some politically incorrect joke.

12. I once was driving in a parking lot at a local mall. There was a 3 way stop, I stopped first so I was supposed to go first. Anyway, this man in a mini van almost side swiped me. I yelled "Get the fuck out of the way, you ass-cobra!" The mini van's windows were open. The man just looked at me like "What did she just call me?" He was more confused than angry that I was yelling at him.

13. I have no problem making fun of people to their face, especially if I don't know you. I used to go shopping with my roommate. We would get fucked up, walk around and make fun of all the high school kids. I'm a winner.

14. My first time at Bonnaroo I bought some sweet tea and a corn dog at the Dave show. 15 minutes after taking my first sip of the sweet tea I started seeing Jesus in the clouds. That was the best sweet tea I have ever had.

15. Back in college, Rose and I crashed a Bachelor Party. We didn't even know these guys! I ended up almost sleeping with the Bachelor. A friend of ours came into the room and told me it wasn't going to happen. I rolled over and said "You think I'd actually do anything with that tiny thing? Gives a whole new meaning to "shake it like a salt shaker."

16. I never give second chances to people. You fuck me over, I will make your life a living hell. For example...my little sister in the sorority I was in during college. She fooled around with a guy I had been dating on and off for several years, during a time that me and him were together. I made her life so horrible that she transferred schools and decided she was a lesbian.

17. I used to keep Facebook open at work, all day long. Now, they've gone and blocked it. I feel like I'm beating the system by using my phone.

18. The other day while on lunch I went to this convention my employers were having. They had a group of handicapped kids performing a dance. I sat there and didn't know whether or not to laugh or cry. Everyone around me had no problem deciding which one to do...they were fighting back tears.

19. When Rose and I were checking out of our hotel in Baltimore, we had an Indian woman checking us out. She was asking me a question, I didn't understand a word that was coming out of her mouth. My response was "Huh?!?!?" in a rather loud voice. She asked again. Rather loudly I respond with "WHAT?!?!?" Rose walked off, while she was walking away I finally understood what the woman was saying to me, "Did you enjoy your stay?" My response, "Oh, huh"...I then walked off. One of the groomsmen was sitting at a table in the lobby. He looked at Rose and said, "Yeah, I'd walk off too if she were my friend." The entire lobby heard me acting like a dumbass.
Rose...she knew exactly what the woman was saying to me the entire time.

20. I once had sex within 3 feet of my roommate at the time. Good thing she was passed out drunk.

21. I made out with one of my best girl friends to get a guy away from me at a bar. He was "in love" with me and wouldn't stop dry humping my leg, we weren't even out on the dance floor. I told him I was a lesbian and that my friend was my long-term girlfriend.

22. I once met a guy from Hotornot.com at midnight in a random park, about 2 years ago. Turns out he's a really great guy. I'm actually going over to his place tonight... ;)

23. My friend Luke and I send emails back and forth everyday making fun of the teachers he works with. They send him stupid shit all day long, he sends it to me. I make fun of the person. He laughs. I laugh. Making fun of people, it's what I do best.

24. I don't like to be clothed.

25. I have this problem where I give people horrible looks without realizing that I am doing it. I've actually made a person cry, just by the way I looked at them. It's hard to describe, but trust me...if I don't like you, you can tell it by the look in my eyes...and I'm not shy about it.

25 Inappropriate Things.

2009-08-10T09:24:00.003-04:00

I saw this idea somewhere else but I can't remember where. This is a list of 25 inappropriate/bad things about me.

I'm not tagging anyone in this. It's pretty amusing to do though!

on to the list:

1. I flip the bird at least 10 times a week while driving.

2. I'm supposed to make at least 35 calls a day to clients. I call Jill, my mom, my sister, my dad's office and sometimes my cell phone's voicemail to reach the number

3. I am a straight up creep status. If I want to know something about you I will find it out. I will facebook, myspace and/or google the shit out of you. I've even made Jill drive passed a house or two to see the guy's living situation.

4. Sometimes when I get pain pills for my cramps, I'll take one or two recreationally.

5. Lately, when someone pisses me off I've written them off. I used to be forgiving but not so much anymore. I have a "fuck off and die" list right now.

6. I got caught shoplifting when I was 16 and was on probation until I was 18

7. My 16 year old cousin went shopping with me last weekend. Instead of scolding her, I asked her why she didn't lift something for me.

8. I say "fuck" at least 100 times a day.

9. When I was 21, I had a freshman fling who had just turned 18. Now, at 23, I made out with a 47 year old co-worker who is married and has kids my age. Also at 23, I have a minor crush on my little brothers best friend. I need to change my life, starting immediately.

10. I am in love with a guy from work. It's not even that he's really attractive. He's about 40. Has a wife and kid. We have so much in common it's ridiculous. Sparks start flying when we start talking. We love the same music, books, bars and the list could go on. A co-worker even noticed it. I wish he wasn't married OR had a kid because I would be allllll over that. I think about fucking him all the time. I mean All. The. Time.

11. My first vibrator will always be my favorite. I hope it never dies.

12. I will always have a love for the "Team America" song... America, FUCK YEAH... so lick my butt and suck on my balls. It always gets stuck in my head at the most inappropriate times ...like right now, at work.

13. The same with "Wow, I can get sexual too" by Say Anything... "I called her on the phone and she touched herself....she touched herself...she touched herself. I called her on the phone and she touched herself. I laughed myself to sleep."

14. I say exactly what I think. If I think something looks bad, I'll say it. Normally this causes shocked reactions from people because the word "fuck" is often involved.

15. I once left a fraternity party to go home with a boy from another school. He was engaged. Jill got pissed and I told her I would find my own way home from his house. She called my sister. Our friendship almost ended over it.

16. The first person I ever gave a blowjob to had a serious girlfriend. After him there was a string of guys who were in relationships. I'm passed that stage in my life (ignore said 47 year old co-worker. I was fuuuuucked up).

17. I once hooked up with a guy name Bobby. He was decent looking and hung around my coffee house. He crashed a college party and told all my friends that I gave him the best head of his life. I took a bit of pride in that. Then Jill had butt sex with him.

18. Ever since I broke up with Sam I've been horny all the time. It sucks because the men around here = not so good.

19. The other night I asked my Dad a pressing question. "Dad, here's a pressing question: is it better to have oral or genital herpes? Do you want the world to know you're a whore or just your significant other?" See... I'm even inappropriate with my parents.

20. Apparently when I'm messed up, I always talk about sex. Jill said that a night with me isn't complete unless I bring up sex.. The other day I actually said "I'm trying really hard not to talk about sex right now."

21. 90% of the time my boobs are showing at work. Unless I have on a turtleneck or t-shirt, my cleavage is showing. Although not my fault, my boobs are huge. No one has ever said anything though.

22. If I'm eating at work and not going out to lunch, I won't stay clocked out for an hour. I'll clock out, cook my food, eat it, clock back in and then sit around for a while smoking or whatever. They cut my overtime at work, so I have to do something. Plus, this normally results in being able to leave early on Friday because I've capped my hours.

23. An addition to #5. On Saturday Jill & I went to a wedding. A pregnant friend (well, former friend. neither of us has talked to her in about a year), wanted to catch up with us. We ignored her. Straight up looked her in the eyes and walked away. No words exchanged.

24. I like off color jokes. Helen Keller and dead baby jokes almost always cause me to chuckle.

25. I've spent more time making this list than actually working.

This list was a bit difficult to write. There are so many different things I could write but I didn't want to air all of my dirty laundry :)

<3,
Rose

analytics

2009-08-06T09:39:00.004-04:00

It has been what feels like forever since I've written a blog post. My apologies. I'll start writing again, I swear.

I can't think of a good topic so I'm falling back on one I've wanted to do for months.

GOOGLE ANALYTICS

Here are some of my favorite searches (and of course, my running commentary!) that landed people on our blog since December 2008:

-fuck my life dot com
(why didn't this cheese ball just type it in the browser?)

-blowjobs
(awesome)

-put your party hat on. and by party hat i mean no panties
(I swear, I am going to send that text to a man one day)

-"we have located your pants"
(where have they been? I've been looking for them for AGES)

-accelerated reader test cheats
(stfu. I didn't know AR was still around!)

-barry manilow virus
(ugh. it's the equivalent of chlamydia to a laptop)

-blowjobs at the drive in
(that wasn't me!)

-vagina necklace
(okay, I understand stumbling across this online. However, actually searching for it? I hope they didn't buy it!)

-"a pelvic" doctor me
(you sure as fuck aren't giving me a pelvic exam if you're the pelvic doctor. And whats up with the incorrect use of quotations ??)

-"condiment as a verb"
(how in the hell did you end up on our blog??)

-"full bladder" "better orgasms"
(I'll take my chances on not having a better orgasm in order not to piss all over someone)

-"i just saw a midget buying"
(what? what did you see it buy? porn? an el camino? a mullet wig???)

-jill fart
(and it was rank)

-"life's a bitch" charm
(as in for a bracelet? that could work if Jill and I can't afford our "Best Fucking Friends" charm necklace!)

-"pooped my pants" panties
(do your panties say "pooped my pants" or did you do it?)

-"she had to pee so bad"
(story of my life)

-25 inappropriate things about me
(future blog post from Rose)

-1girl and 1cup
-3 cups 1girl
-to grils one cup
(okay. it's 2 girls, 1 cup.)

-apartment "peeing off the balcony"
(does this happen a lot? and you too have issues with quotes)

-asking when am i getting pregnant just because im newly married is pathetic
(how did you end up here? we're not married nor pregnant. interesting)

-blog posts about sonic drive in
(i'm assuming this was a Sonic employee. If so, email me at delightfullyinappropriate at yahoo dot com and i'll give you my address for the free coupons I should get for watching someone piss in your drive thru)

-boners caught in public
(i'm guessing a gay man searched this)

-did it really happen drunk
(probably)

-gave him boner
(done)

-girls fuck blogger
(we are girls. we fuck. we have a blog. we don't fuck blogger)

-i'd hit that 911
(I'm taking 911 as NOW. So, ditto)

-inappropriate ladies
(absofuckinglutely)

-jill got him cheating boyfriend ky 2009
(Jill, do we need to share something?)

-mature vulva
(mah. not here)

-puking sorority blowjob
(i've had some rough nights in the past but nothing to that extreme)

-when are kittens most plentiful
(spring. haha. i don't think there is ever a more plentiful time!)

-wifi "chest monitor"
(i don't even know what you mean. however, I applaud your use of quotes since nothing makes sense)

-young hotties no kids not married
(yep)

Balt <3 Amour

2009-07-31T19:17:00.007-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen...I'm writing my first post in a loooooong time. Sorry for my lack of presence here lately, I know you all missed me...haha.

Rose and I just got back from a lovely extended weekend in Baltimore. I had no clue that the original Washington Monument is in downtown Baltimore! Rose was nice enough to let me stop, pay for valet parking and walk to the damn statue. I have a small obsession with good ole' George Washington...or Georgie as I refer to him as.

We had a great time in Charm City. My best friend from high school was getting married, I was her Maid of Honor...I wouldn't have been able to make it without Rose along for the haul. Luckily I'm fortunate to have a best friend willing to make a 9 hour drive with me just to watch someone get married. Of course we had our share of mischief.

Rose and I got into the Baltimore area last Thursday afternoon. We had a little bit of time before the rehearsal dinner, so we decided to grab some lunch. Before we left we decided that we should get crab legs, since we were close to the coast and they would be fresh. We go to this cute little place called Wet Willy's Crab Deck, thinking they would have the best crab legs we had ever eaten. We decided to split an order of a dozen...we waited for our food. When the waitress came out with our food, she plopped 12 WHOLE CRABS on our table.

Rose's face went blank. I decided to take control of the situation and told the woman that I needed to be "reminded" of how to get into the crab to get the meat. She showed me...my gag reflex started going full speed ahead. I new that Rose couldn't do it, so it was all up to me. I think we maybe ate 7 of the damn crabs.
Apparently this is the only way you can get crab in Maryland...disgusting. WTF?

In our adventures, the GPS took us straight through the Baltimore ghetto. GPS's really should have a feature that is called "Reroute though a better part of town." I feared for my life. Scary shit.

One afternoon Rose and I were starving...this was on the same day we saw Georgie...We decided that after stopping to see the monument that we would grab some food. We pulled out the trusty (or not so trusty) GPS to find somewhere to eat within walking distance. In honor of George we decided to walk over to The Mount Vernon Stable.

At this restaurant we ended up having the most fabulous crab soup ever. It totally made up for the earlier crab situation. We also sat next to two drag queens who were in their 60's. Amazing...they didn't even try to cover up their masculine voices. Made my day.

In a nutshell that was our trip to Baltimore. We had a blast...I've decided that a 4 day weekend once every 6 months is completely necessary. Where should I go next? I was thinking maybe D.C. Where-ever it is I hope that it is just as much fun as Baltimore.

<3
Jill

Best Conversation EVER.

2009-07-07T08:20:00.003-04:00

My sister told me about a conversation she overheard by my parents. When she told me I started laughing so hard I almost pissed my pants. In fact, I am still cracking up over it.

Background:
My Dad is very conservative, quiet and reserved. My Mom, not so much. She is more like me: loud, always has to say SOMETHING and most of the time its inappropriate. My parents are polar opposites and I think that is why they get along so well.

On to the conversation:
Mom (who was being dead serious): I need to get a new dress, D.
Dad: Well, why? Are we going somewhere? Do you really need a new one?
Mom (still holding strong and being serious): Yeah, I need it for MJ's funeral.
Dad: *mutters* Jesus Christ.

I so wish I could have heard it. Now, my Mom wouldn't really get a dress for the funeral of MJ, she just likes to get my dad all riled up. This totally tops the list of things she does to aggravate my father!

I know Jill is cracking up reading this just thinking about my Mom saying that to my good old conservative pops!

RIP MJ,
Rose

the psychic.

2009-07-04T21:14:00.004-04:00

I had 2 psychic readings today. For free. Both were dead on.

My sister has 4 coworkers that are psychics. Yes, psychics. Yes, four of them. A couple weeks ago she had a lady, Cat, read her coffee grounds. Of course, I was totally sucked into this and dying to have mine read. Sis talked to Cat and she said I could come in today when she got off work and have mine read.

I was told to bring in used coffee grounds, a styrofoam cup and a payday candy bar (Cat can see peoples fortune better if they are nice to her so since I've never met her apparently bringing her favorite candy bar is the next best thing)

When I first got to my sister's work, Cat hadn't finished her shift yet so I was sitting in the lobby with Sis. Pat (the other psychic) came up and started chatting to us and told my sister she was going out to smoke. With Pat, her abilities are hit or miss. She can't choose when to know something she just does. She was about halfway down the hall and comes back to me and says "Are you involved with anyone?" I told her not really, just Timmy and that was just sex. She looked at me and said "Whatever you do, don't trust him." Then she looked at my palm and told me that I will have three children. She said sometimes that it could be miscarriages and/or pregnancy (like 1 miscarriage, 2 children). That was all that Pat really said as she was still on the clock.

Cat clocks out and asks me to come into the back room with her while she mixes the cup. My sister grabs a cup for me (of course I had to forget something!!) and dumps the coffee grounds into the cup of water. Cat then grabs a plate and we go into the library where no one will bother me.

Once in the library she told me to swirl the coffee grounds while thinking about things I want her to touch on (I chose job, female issues/possible endometriosis, love life and my brother). She then had me put the plate over the top of the cup and flip it upside down. I had to spin the cup 3 full times (coffee ground water was spilling all over the plate!) and hand it to her. She took the cup off of the plate and peered into and that's how she was able to see things about me. She said it was a bit difficult to read as it was a tall coffee cup, not a small one, but she knew things anyway!

Cat talked to me for a full hour until she had to meet her sister.

Here are some of the things I can remember:
-The first thing she told me is the house I'm living in has some minor plumbing issues (which my bathroom is jacked. My tub and sink drip water ALL the time).

- I have a silver lining around me. Cat said she doesn't see that often but it is similar to a guardian angel watching over me at all times. She also said that it brings luck to me.

-She doesn't see me having surgery for endometriosis. She told me that I need to go see a female gynocologist and they'll straighten everything out.

-My brother will get joint custody of his children. She sees his future ex wife moving back to Kentucky on her own. She said that my dad has some pull in the court system that we don't know about yet. She also kept seeing my brother throw his kids up in the air and catching them.

-She said that right now I can really relate to MJ's song "Man in the Mirror" because I'm going through big changes in my life

-She told me that I have a large group of friends and that I love to dance.

-She told me that I was going on a trip soon (Jill and I are traveling to Maryland in 3 weeks for a wedding), that we decided to drive instead of fly (true), we'll have fun. She told me that she feels that I'll catch the bouquet. She also said that Jill will be running around like a mad woman right before it's time to leave because she won't leave until everything is perfect and she'll procrastinate until the last minute to get everything done.

-She said I either already know or will meet a bald man. (I think I already know him). She said the bald man will somehow connect me to a man that I'll "get on with really well." She said that he'll be very tan, have stunning eyes and that we will make the perfect pair. She told me that he either works at/around the airport or I will meet him there. She thinks his name starts with R and could possibly be Ron. R is around my age. She seriously went to town on this person. She knew a ton about him.

-She knew I was unhappy with my job. She told me that she knew I felt under appreciated and that I have too much energy for my position. Cat also said that there was envy towards me because I was doing so well and when I leave they will have no reason not to give me a stellar recommendation. She said someone I know will help me find a job better suited for me, but I will not be leaving my current position until I find it.

- She told me I'll have more opportunities to travel in the future but I won't be able to take them due to work/finances

- She told me that although I don't always think so, all of my friends and family think I'm hilarious

-She talked a lot about Sam. She said that he and his family loved me very much and that he still does. She said it will crush him when I start to date again. She told me what type of dog he has (!), his roommate isn't a good influence on him and she even told me what he looked like.

It was ABSOLUTELY ridiculous how much Cat told me. She knew things that no one else would be able to pinpoint. I wish I had taken a pad of paper in there and written it all down so I could remember it. She was going so fast that I can't even remember it all. She told me that she would love to read me again and I seriously can't wait.

I'm a believer,
Rose.

1 girl + 1 cup = Sonic Drive In

2009-06-23T15:08:00.005-04:00

No matter how outlandish what you're about to read may sound, it is true.

My sister came and met me for lunch today. After eating our yummy red curry we decided to hit up the Sonic Drive-In right next door for some beverages.

Now picture this:

After I ordered our drinks, I pulled my car up. We were the fourth car from the window. The driver of the car directly in front of mine (white, approximately 45-50 year old, female) opens her door and starts to get out. I'm positive she's about to blow chunks. Of course, we're staring hardcore to see if this woman pukes.

The car in front of her drives off so she pulls her car up. She starts to get out of her car again and actually makes it all the way out.

I swear on all things Holy this is true: She grabs a Styrofoam cup, puts it under her skirt and pees.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the woman not only peed in the line at the Sonic drive-thru, but she didn't even try to hide it.

She then got back into her car and pulled up to the window to get her food.

My sister and I just looked at each other and couldn't say anything. Both of us were totally speechless. I've never seen such a thing. EVER.

HERE IS THE KICKER (just when you thought this story couldn't get any better/worse):

She handed the cup to the passenger who poured it out the window.

We asked the guy working the window if he saw it and unfortunately he didn't. Needless to say, we called everyone we could think about to tell them all about it.

Still speechless,
Rose

Perfection

2009-06-17T11:24:00.009-04:00

Last night was the Dave Matthews concert. Dave was sexy (oh, man was he sexy), the music was amazing, the dancing was good, Tim Reynolds playing was a nice little surprise, the all night torrential downpour added a little something wonderful to the show (is anything in life better than dancing and singing in the rain to DMB? Anyone??).

One of the best nights we've had in a long time.

First off, Rose jammed the fuck out to Grey Street. He even said "Colors bold and bright" just they way she likes it. Seriously, Dave may have given her an orgasm. It was perfection. It was an overall amazing show, one of the best DMB concerts we've seen thus far (This is Rose's 4th and Jill's 3rd). He even ended with Halloween (which if you're a huge Dave enthusiast you know is rare and major jamming with occur).

And just to make you all jealous, here is the set list:

Dave Matthews Band
2009-06-16
Riverbend Music Center, Cincinnati, OH

Shake Me Like a Monkey
Funny The Way It Is
Stay Or Leave
Dive In
The Stone
Anyone Seen The Bridge
Too Much (tease)
Ants Marching
Lying In the Hands of God
Why I Am
Lie In Our Graves
So Damn Lucky
Seven
Jimi Thing
Squirm
You and Me
Everyday
#41
Grey Street

Encore:
Alligator Pie
Halloween

Still Jammin'
Rose & Jill

keepin' it classy.

2009-06-12T10:44:00.005-04:00

So on Wednesday, Jill & I took a country dip for her birthday and to celebrate FUF a bit early (that would be Fucked Up Friday for those who don't know).

*The following has been added in by Jill, with Rose's permission:
I went to Rose's house and picked her up, we started driving. Rose was telling me where to drive, because I had no clue where I was going. We drove around for a good hour, finally I looked at Rose and asked her where the hell we were at. Rose calmly rolled down her window and said "Uh, I'm not sure. I think we are going to go under the interstate then we will be at the road that will take us back home."
ROSE HAD NO IDEA WHERE WE WERE!
Turns out, we had driven to the next town over, 30 minutes away!*

As soon as I got home I took a bath because I didn't want to smell. I got all paranoid that my parents would know that I was home if I drained the bathtub. Nevermind they probably heard me fill it up. Oh, classy, I know.

I passed out at about 8:30 that night. Mostly because I was tired, partly because I was out of my mind and quite possibly because I ate a junior bacon cheeseburger, chicken sandwich, fries and a large dr. pepper from Wendy's. Whatever.

About 9:30 I heard this loud boom but continued to sleep. Dad came in the room to see if something happened (like I fell out of the bed, I guess. I'm known for that and talking incoherently while sleeping) and asked me what it was.

This was our conversation:

Dad: What was that?
Rose: It was the cannon
D: What cannon?
R: The cannon on the road.
D: Huh?
R: The cannon that Jill and I passed on the road on my way home. What the fuck are you talking about?
D: What the fuck are you talking about?
R: I don't know.

Then I proceeded to fall back on the pillow and pass out.

Turns out, the cannon was a firework my brother set off.

Whatta Night,
Rose

Feliz Cumpleanos

2009-06-10T14:21:00.003-04:00

To Me!!!

It's my 24th birthday today!! I know that in the big scheme of things I'm still very young...but I feel like an old woman!

Everyday when I get to work I have my horoscope waiting to be read in my inbox. This morning I had a special birthday horoscope waiting for me...it read:

"You continue to ride a growing wave of enthusiasm, yet keeping your balance becomes trickier and trickier throughout the day. Still, today you aren't interested in taking shortcuts; you want to be in touch with the magic that comes from experiencing the entire journey, even if this makes things more difficult for a while. There's no way to go back to this moment, so make sure you don't miss anything along the way. "

Let's just say that my balance was a bit off to start with today...if it's going to get worse, someone is going to get hurt!

After reading that I decided to do some research...this is what I found.

On my birthday in the past...I've had some, well...interesting things happen.

-Alcoholics Anonymous was founded by "Bill W." in 1935.

Now, come on...is someone trying to tell me something? So what if I ended up having a beer on my lunch and I wasn't exactly sober coming into work today?

"Hello, my name is Jillian and I am a pseudo-alcoholic."

-Italy replaced his monarchy with a republic in 1946.

-The Six-Day War between Israel and Syria, Egypt, and Jordan ended in 1967.

-Apparently the kite/electricity experiment also happened on June 10...fitting especially since there is a HUGE storm outside right now (and I was born in a storm).

This is what I'm most excited about....drum roll please.

JUDY GARLAND AND I SHARE A BIRTHDAY!!!!! Too bad she's dead.

Happy Birthday to me...I'll say it again!

Hope you all have as great of a day as me.

<3>

Jill

Getting Lucky in Kentucky.

2009-06-07T22:32:00.004-04:00

So this happened last Saturday but I've been too lazy to write about it.

Remember the story of the candy jar thief? CT, otherwise known as Timmy?

Yeah, I fucked him last Saturday.

He called me on Saturday and I told me he was sorry he didn't call me when he went out the week before in Big Town (although I didn't know he was supposed to), but he was going to go out that night with his new roommate Addison (who was starting as an intern at my/Timmy's old job the following Monday. He knew her in college & got her the job) and asked if I wanted to go. It was about 10 and I had no plans so I told him I would take a shower and make my way to his apartment.

I got there and he told me we were going to go to a new bar called Sound because our bosses kids worked there. So we walked the four or so blocks down there *side note: I wore 4 inch pumps. I still have blisters to remember the night* We walked in and I immediately knew it was a gay bar. Which in KY means 2 things: Amazing dancing music & strong drinks.

So we're getting our drink on and dancing. All of a sudden Timmy kisses me. I just kind of danced away because, seriously, it was Timmy. A few more cocktails later I found myself kissing him back while dancing.

Then we're in the corner making out.

Next thing I know, we're walking our drunkity drunk asses back to his apartment (we totally left Addison!) stopping on the street corners to make out even more.

We get back to his place and the clothes start flying. We went at it like 4 times. Every time I thought we were done it started again. We even moved the party to the shower (hellllllooooo, hot!). Let me just say, the sex was amazing. Not just because I was drunk either. And I know this because we got down the next morning.

I'm not sure if it will happen again but we've talked a bit since then and both agree that we know what happens/will happen when we get drunk together. Which is perfectly fine with me.

Addison had me laughing so hard about it last night for several reasons:
1. She told me that she just knew that I would pull her aside at work on her first day and be all "don't fucking tell anyone" which I obviously didn't because it was a bit awkward. We had to get drunk before I was able to open up about it.
2. She told me she could hear EVERYTHING minus the morning sex. She told me that she didn't think she would ever pass out. She said I did a pretty good job of keeping quiet but that Timmy is wayyy loud (I made a serious effort to keep quiet because I knew she was like right outside the fucking door).
3.Timmy's apartment is a 1 bedroom/1 bathroom (that is actually in his bedroom) and she's staying on a blow-up mattress on the living room while she's working with us. She told me she had to pee so bad and she didn't want to interupt us so she pissed on their fucking balcony and prayed the people below weren't out!

xxx & ohhhhhs,
Rose

Ladies and Gentlemen...

2009-06-05T14:37:00.007-04:00

I would like to announce that my near 7 month streak of celibacy has ended. THANK GOD!!!!!!

Chastity Belt=No more! Haha

Let me tell you, if all sex were as good as what I had last night...I'd wait 7 months in between hook-ups all the time. Sweet Jesus it was good. Now I have to say, Christian doesn't have the biggest ship in the water, but damn he's got the motion in the ocean. I've had a lot of sex in my 23 (soon to be 24) years on earth and last night was 10 times better than any I've ever had. Let's put it this way, all day today I have thought about it.

Last night both of my roommates were gone, so after work I ran a few errands. I ended up getting home around 10pm to see Christian and Samuel (Meg, my roommate's boyfriend) sitting outside on the back porch. They were passing around a fifth of cheap vodka. Now I can get down on some cheap vodka...it's all I drank in college...so I decided to have a few shots. I had a slight buzz going on, so did the boys.

We all went inside where we listened to some Led Zeppelin and Janis Joplin. Meg works third shift, so she's never home before midnight. We waited up for her. By this time Samuel had decided that he didn't need to drive after drinking what he had. Samuel went into Meg's room and went to bed.

Here I am sitting in the living room with Christian...up until this point I hadn't thought anything would ever happen between us other than what already had happened. We had "made-out" back a few months ago when we all went camping and I thought that experience was too good to be true. Laying under the stars in his arms having every bit of my body touched in just the right way...oh goodness...it was great.

Anyway, back to the original story. I thought that the extent of me and Christian would end there.

I asked Christian where he was going to sleep, he said that he would probably either pass out on the floor or sleep on the couch. Neither was acceptable to me. In a casual way, I told him that he was more than welcome to come sleep in my bedroom. He jumped at the opportunity. Hells yes.

We get into my room and he starts cuddling with me. I'm not a cuddler. I actually don't like cuddling at all. I'd prefer to get the deed done and call it a night, of course while having a great time in the act. So, here we are cuddling and I was actually enjoying it. Soon we were kissing and then I was on top of him, he was on top of me...

Whoo!

Sorry y'all no dirty details...however, I'm being serious when I say this...If I could only ever sleep with him for the rest of my life, I'd jump on the opportunity.

And that is the story of how Jill broke her 7 month streak of celibacy.

<3>

Jillian

I blame facebook.

2009-06-03T11:53:00.001-04:00

The summer I graduated college (2007), I stopped at a local gas station to buy cigarettes. The cashier was a girl I went to high school with named Amy.

Me: Hi, how are you? I need a carton of marlboro menthol lights, please.
Amy: Here ya go. So, how many kids do you have?
Me: Um none, I just graduated from Private College two weeks ago.
Amy: Well, I have 2 at home and 1 in the oven.
Me: *thinking* Well, good for you. You're doing so well for yourself...working at the Marathon and three kids. Glad I don't have any...What 21 year old would want to have any kids? Let alone three???"

Fast forward two years.

I don't know if it is because I'm single with no real relationship anywhere on the horizon, the fact that I might have endometriosis and have a harder time getting pregnant or what, but I feel like every time I get on facebook someone I know is now engaged, getting married this weekend or pregnant.

I feel like I'm behind. Don't get my wrong, I'm loving the single life (to an extent and that extent involves sleeping with new men and doing whatever the hell I want), but this summer I feel like a big part of me suddenly turned on and is yearning to settle down, get married, get pregnant and begin nesting. I'm ready for the next stage of my life.

My younger, married sister is going to start trying for a baby soon. I feel like I should be the one trying because I'm oldest. I've always said I'm not sure if I want children. As of late, I do. I really do. At this point I would settle for an adult relationship with a man. (And by adult, I mean someone I love, who can support me, has a steady job and where the relationship actually has a future, so pretty much the entire opposite of my relationship with Sam). Just something to postpone this newly acquired baby fever.

I blame facebook for jump starting my biological clock. I know that I'm still young and have plenty of time, but I feel like my clock just started ticking and it's all I can hear. Tick. Marriage. Tock. Babies.

Am I the only one who feels this way???

Single and baby-less,
Rose

heeeey there jilllllllian

2009-06-01T18:06:00.003-04:00

My dearest Jillian,
Because I love you so much, tickets to see the above sexy man are on me. I'll even buy you a beer. Happy birthday!

Your BFF,
Rose

I moved!!!

2009-05-29T12:47:00.000-04:00

This time last year I was frantically searching for a place to live. I was living at my parents' house and needed out, I had been there for a year. Anyway, I got pissed one day because my mom opened up all of my mail. She had done this in the past and I had nicely asked her to stop several times. This time would be the last... I found an apartment the next day.

You know how when you think that you really need something, you jump at the first thing you find that is somewhat close to what you think you need? This is what me and my roommate Rach did. We found a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment with new appliances and a cute back porch that opened up to a field. We had access to a pool, hot-tub, sauna, work-out room and other ammenities that we really didn't need. Anyway, our rent was OUTRAGEOUS! We were paying $889 a month, plus utilities!

We had a year lease, so we had been looking for a cheaper place to live. We also had taken on a third roommate, Meg. So about a month ago, we all started looking for places around where we were currently living but couldn't find anything. After severe bouts of frustration, we decided to start looking in a small town about 30 minutes from where we were living.

We found the cutest house. It's a 4 bedroom, 2 bath house with a huge kitchen, living room (with a gas fireplace), a huge storage shed, carport and really nice backyard. The greatest thing is that we are only paying $650 a month, plus utiliites!!! My rent is now $217 a month, as opposed to almost $450.

I think I forgot to tell you that in our 2BR/2BA apartment we had 3 people, a Pitbull/Vizsla mix dog and 3 cats...Now at least the animals and us have room to move about.

Last weekend we moved into the house, we got everything moved and in place in a day! Oh and I got to drive a huge U-Haul!! Too bad I haven't done anything to my bedroom...I need to make a trip to Ikea ASAP so I can have pretty things to make my room what I need it to be (and hey, since I have boo-koos of extra money that I'm saving from the rent, I may as well).

Anyway, I promise that pictures will come soon...I just haven't had time to get everything done and take pictures...

Hope you all have great weekends!

-Jill

The point of the matter is...

2009-05-28T21:40:00.006-04:00

that I have a fuck buddy.

Yes, I will talk about the sex (but that's later down the post)... And this is considered our FUF post of the week because I sure celebrated FUF the first night we hooked up!

I was reading something today (and I think it was in Cosmo. or maybe online, whatever). The article was something like "Is He The One?"

Side Note: I've been reading Cosmo since middle school. I swear the reuse the same articles every couple of years. The sex tricks are the same, I know my G-Spot is my "hidden pleasure spot" and the cosmetic tricks are all of the same. However, I just keep reading it. I don't know why, but I'll buy it even though I know EVERYTHING that will be in it!! Does anyone else feel this way??

The article was set up in an A and B format. You chose whichever you felt fit the relationship the best. The only one that I remember was something like:

What do you talk about when together:
A) Last weekend, what you're doing later, etc.
B) Your childhood, your family

Well, I did the quiz in my head (do people actually get a pen to mark them?) and obviously John (also known as my prom date sophomore year of high school) falls into the fling category.

Now, I didn't really need a quiz to tell me this. John and I've had quite a whirlwind relationship(s). We've been best friends, we've been enemies, we've made out, we've said the most horrible hateful things and now we've had sex.

We've gone through the same type of "quasi-relationship" several times. Every couple of years one of us will text or call the other and we'll start talking. Which leads to hanging out. Which leads to making out and now leads to sex. Then after so long (sometimes a week, sometimes a couple months), we fizzle.

Jill has seen the fizzle. It's like something inside of me (and it always has been me), is just done. I can remember the last fizzle. Junior year of college. John, Jill & I were hanging out in her room after a night of crazy antics. Jill and I were in a deep conversation about the Italian Renaissance (I'm not kidding, it was something along those lines) and John was just sitting there. He tried to say something and I looked at him and said, "What, do you not understand what we're talking about? Do we need to talk slower?" Yeah, I know it was horrible. John got up and left. I talked to him one last time to get Jill's purse out of his car.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I love John to death. I care for him deeply. It's just a purely physical relationship. Since we've become adults, John and I don't really have anything to talk about or have anything in common. Sure, we hang out and have fun but we talk about mindless things like movies or music. We don't share our fears and dreams.

And to be quite honest, this time we really don't even talk. We just keep it cordial with: "How is your day" "anything new with you?" and "what time do you want me to come over?" We go through the same motions almost every time. I go to his apartment. We hang out and watch tv. We start making out. We go fuck. I might sleep, I might not. I leave.

So, based on the past, I have a pretty strong feeling that there will be no "us" and I am okay with that. He's not really relationship material anyway. Plus, I have my first real fuck buddy!

Now, on to the part that makes this blog so "delightfully inappropriate!" The. Sex.

The sex with John is decent enough. I wouldn't call it mind-blowing or anything. Now, I know that I don't have much to compare him to, but sex with Sam was definitely much better.
However, John is HUGE so that makes up for whatever it's missing. I'm not kidding when I say huge. It makes me cringe a bit knowing it's coming and it's that stinging sensation of losing your virginity for the first couple minutes. Then we're good to go. (Girls, how do we make this stop? It's not an issue on my part if you know what I mean).
He does this thing that I love where during missionary he holds my hands above my head where I can't move them. I don't know if it's the fact that he has all the control or what but Good. God. Amazing.
He can last FOREVER. I'm sure I'm not the only one who reaches a point where I'm all "Come on, get off. For real." because I'm just done. Well, he finally does get off... what feels like an hour later.
AH, once we're done he goes and gets me a glass of water. Then he rubs my back. And plays with my hair. I'm a sucker for that.
I'm looking for new sex positions to try...so anything you want to share with me is good. (where are you when I need you Christina & Courtney?!)

So yeah, probably more than you would ever want to know about the relationship of John & Rose part XIVV. I would write more but I'm kind of tapped out on anything else. SOOOO if there is anything else you want to know, ask. I'm a kiss & tell kind of girl.

A kisser & teller,
Rose

Queeeens of Awe-summm

2009-05-22T21:19:00.000-04:00

Ok I'm a slacker. I (Rose) was supposed to publish this after I filled it in. Well, I filled it in last week and forgot! So here is Jill's post from 5/15/09!

Last night when I got off work I went over to Rose's house for a visit with her and the family. I picked a great night to go over because I got to see Rose's sister and brother and law's new place. Well, it isn't new...but they are moving across the road into a place and I'm very excited for them!!

While I was there Rose asked if I would help her clean out her closets. I agreed and it's a good thing I did! I left there with massive amounts of clothes that Rose no longer wears. Thank God my best friend is the same size on top as I am!!! I probably walked out with 25 shirts! Thanks Rose. Love ya!!

And if all that wasn't enough to make me happy, Rose and I got an award!!!!! I have to admit, this awards is amazing! It's all sparkley and pretty, plus I love the vintage looking image. The award and the girls who gave it to us are exactly what the award is for...Awe-Summm-ness!!

Lil' Woman and Gina at Namaste by Day both gave us this award! Thanks to you both!!!!

So, for us to be considered the Queens of Awe-Summm-ness we have to do some stuff...

1. List 7 things that make me Awe-Summm.

2. Pass the award onto 7 bloggers that I love

3. Tag those bloggers to let them know they are now Queens too (and link back to the Queen who tagged you)

Jill:

1. I'm obsessed with George Washington. I know, many people wouldn't consider this to be "Awe-summm" but I do. Ask me a question about him and chances are I'll know it! Love me some GW.

2. I have recently become a domestic goddess. Baking, cleaning, sewing, anything you would think Martha Stewart would be doing, I'm doing. It's crazy, but awe-summm!

3. I play video games -and- like it. Awe-summm...I know.

4. I love camping and kayaking. I'm seriously looking into buying a kayak. Now, I'm not talking kayaking as in doing all the rapids and waterfall shit, I'm just talking about lazily floating down a river, stopping frequently for cigarette breaks. I could seriously camp/kayak every weekend and never get tired of it. Awe-summme

5. I finally re-taught myself how to do a cartwheel. Awe-summm, for real though. I mean, it took me hours to re-teach myself how to do this. Those f'n cartwheels are hard to do!!!

6. I've seen more dead bodies than most people will ever see in their entire life. I consider this awe-summm, but morbid at the same time. My dad is a coroner. I've been helping him do stuff around his labs my entire life...don't worry, I never actually do anything with the cadaver, I just work around them when helping him.

7. I still play bassoon in a concert band. Most people in band stop after high school, or for some college. But not me. I'm die-hard all about some concert band. Whoo!

Rose:

1. Did you see where I gave lots of clothes to Jill? Yeah, I gave her stuff I still wear (like my baby blue cardigan) because she is my best friend and I know she has wanted it for a long time. Yeah, that makes me awe-summmm

2. I am horrible at actually washing my clothing. Like to the point I had so much that I couldn't grasp where to start. The reason I gave the stuff to Rose last night is my Mom decided to help me out and wash all my laundry. Over 30 loads. There were things that I haven't seen in two years. What is awe-summm is that I have over 70 pairs of socks. Whenever I ran out I would just buy some. You might call it patethic, I call it awe-sum (and just for the record, I'm keeping up with it now!)

3. I'm a bookworm. But what is awe-sum is that I read in paragraphs, not lines. I had an IQ test when I was in 4th grade and that's what the shrink who administered it said. I guess that means I can read large blocks at a time.

4. I could read books by the time I was 2. Awe-sum.

5. My birthday sometimes falls on Labor Day. Hello, National Holiday: Rose's birthday! (It's September 1st if you want to send me gifts)

6. I taught my Mom her new favorite phrase, "Fuck-Tard." How awe-sum is that? She calls people Fuck-tards all the time now. AMAZING.

7. I know how to ballroom dance, square dance and clog. Ok, that was a lie because i couldn't think of anything else. How about this: I am an awe-summ liar. Well, that's not true either. I'm actually a horrible liar so I'm an awe-summly honest person?

Ok, we're not passing it on. We love you all and think you're all queens!! So if you want it, you deserve it!

Da Baddest Bitch

2009-05-22T09:31:00.000-04:00

Found this on Gum-Shoeing's blog and I love doing these things. Even if you don't read it, you can always do it because it's fun and I love to see what music everyone likes :) I'm not sure why I have so many repeat artists. My iPod has a ton of songs and the same artists just kept coming up. Strange.

-Rose

The rules are....

1. Put your iTunes (or other Music Player) on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

Add some commentary if you’d like.

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?? A Gentleman Caller - Cursive
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? Sit and Stare - Gogogo Airheart [very true]
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Capri Pants - Bikini Kill [that's a big negative]
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE? I Don't Want to Be- Gavin DeGraw [could work]
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? Brian and Robert - Phish
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? Video Killed the Radio Star - The Buggles [this is my life's theme song]
WHAT IS 2+2? Lucky - Bif Naked
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS? We Write the Wrong - The Early November
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? The Hand that Feeds - Nine Inch Nails [i'm not sure how I feel about that]
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? Mexican Cousin - Phish
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? Not Myself - John Mayer [amen]
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Over my Head - The Fray [seeing I don't really actually 'like' anyone, I think this is void. But I don't think this would be a good way to think about the person you like!]
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Soul to Keep - Matt Skiba
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Split Screen Sadness- John Mayer
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Between Me & You - Ja Rule
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? Mrs. Robinson - Simon & Garfunkel
HOW WILL YOU DIE? Forever my Friend - Ray LaMontagne
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET? Back to You - John Mayer [hmmm]
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? Am I Wrong - Brand New
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY? Everything - Lifehouse [true story. the song makes me cry]
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED? The Quiet Things that No One Ever Knows - Brand New
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? Just The Girl - Click Five [girls are icky]
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? I'm Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? Bourbon and Lacs - Master P [hahahahah]
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW? Ironic - Alanis Morrissette
HOW AM I FEELING TODAY? Blue & Yellow - The Used [good way to express how i feel]
WILL I GET FAR IN LIFE? Touch Me - Phish
HOW DO MY FRIENDS SEE ME? The Boy Who Blocked his own Shot - Brand New
WHAT IS MY BEST FRIEND’S THEME SONG? If You Fall - Azure Ray [nahhh]
WHAT IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE? Every Breath you Take - Copeland
WHAT WAS HIGH SCHOOL LIKE? Gravel Pit - Wu Tang Clan [I suppose this one works]
HOW CAN I GET AHEAD IN LIFE? I Love You ...Too - Tokyo Rose [pretty sure this song is a breakup song. so i guess it works out because i broke up with Sam to get ahead in life...]
WHAT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT ME? Marvelous Things - Eisley [everything about me is marvelous, bitches]
HOW IS TODAY GOING TO BE? Ride - The Vines [exactly how i feel before a three day weekend!]
WHAT IS IN STORE FOR THIS WEEKEND? Asleep - The Smiths [Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep. I'm tired and I wanna go to bed.]
WHAT SONG DESCRIBES MY PARENTS? Just Like You - Three Days Grace [I am pretty much like mi madre]
TO DESCRIBE MY GRANDPARENTS? The Boxer - Simon & Garfunkle [I inherited my grandfather's computer and the wrote a story from when he was a teen about his boxing club. this one totally works]
HOW IS MY LIFE GOING? The Love War - The Dismemberment Plan [couldn't have said it better myself]
WHAT SONG WILL THEY PLAY AT MY FUNERAL? Know Your Onion - The Shins [interesting]
HOW DOES THE WORLD SEE ME? PaperRockScissors - Jamison-Parker
WILL I HAVE A HAPPY LIFE? Just Breathe - Brandston
WHAT DO MY FRIEND’S REALLY THINK OF ME? Come on Kids - Tegan & Sara [come on kids, eat those pills you got your whole life to lose. hahaha]
DO PEOPLE SECRETLY LUST AFTER ME? Chickenhead -Threesixmafia [wtf?]
HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY? Clarity - John Mayer [very true]
WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE? Wading in the Velvet Sea - Phish [well, i'm sure that would be totally beneficial!]
WILL I EVER HAVE CHILDREN? Good to know that if I ever need attention all i have to do is die - Brand New [hmmm what does that even mean?]
WHAT IS SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR ME? All the Wild Horses - Ray LaMontagne
HOW WILL I BE REMEMBERED? It's for the Best - Straylight Run [i'm going to take that as a yes]
WHAT IS MY SIGNATURE DANCING SONG? We Will Become Silhouettes- The Postal Service [seeing as I don't have a signature dancing song, i'll take it]
WHAT DO I THINK MY CURRENT THEME SONG IS? Dancing Nancies - DMB [it's Video Killed the Radio Star, but I do love Dancing Nancies]
WHAT DOES EVERYONE ELSE THINK MY CURRENT THEME SONG IS? Pretty Soon, I don't Know What, But something is going to happen - Norma Jean [may not be my theme song but it's definitely true!]
WHAT TYPE OF MEN/WOMEN DO YOU LIKE? Do You Miss Me -Lucky Boys Confusion [does this mean needy? i'm not into needy men!]
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? Da Baddest Bitch - Trina [one word. Amazing]

potluck!

2009-05-20T20:03:00.003-04:00

I've had a crazy, crazy past week. I'm stealing Re-Re's idea and doing a "Potluck" of all the crap that has been going on. Prepare yourself.

1. I might be a little vague in this one, but it's for my families sake: My brother came to us two weeks ago and told us he was unhappy in his marriage and is divorcing his wife. He visited his lawyer and started the process. This Sunday she found something he had searched on the internet (had nothing to do with divorce), and confronted him for more information. He told her it was no big deal and was just something he saw on the news and wanted to know more about it. She told him if he didn't tell her exactly why he was looking it up, she wanted to separate. He told her that was fine that he had already been to see a lawyer and she would be served this week. He came to stay the night at our house. During the night, she packed everything in the house and moved 10-12 hours away to where her family is from. She took my niece and nephew with her. Because she hadn't been served yet, she was allowed to leave the state. I think it's safe to say that my life has been turned upside down with the "what-ifs." (what if my brother doesn't get custody, what if I never see them again, on and on).

2. My work BFF, L, got laid off last Thursday and it was a huge surprise. Especially since I normally know who is next.

3. We went out Friday night for the people who got laid off at work. My boss paid for the first $150 of booze. I got slightly drunk. I may have made some bad decisions including, but not limited to:

I know this is the one you all care about:

4. I slept with my prom date from high school. twice. He found me on facebook and we started chatting and text messaging. I went over to his apartment late Friday night and stayed the night. He was HUGE and I was super sore the next day. So sore that I was a little relieved when the time came Saturday night for a third round that he didn't have anymore condoms. Obviously, this is strange territory for me because I have never slept with someone besides Sam. It was good, just different.

5. Sam has been somewhat stalking me. When I told him that the prom date added me on facebook he flipped the fuck out. Like leaving letters and pictures on my car. I told him that obviously this friends thing wasn't going to work out and we couldn't talk. BUT he continued to call and text message. Not only me, but Jill and L. He was calling L's work phone and I'm sure if he had Jill's number he would have called her too. He keeps claiming that he's changed, things are different, he misses me, all that other shit. I've started ignoring him and he hasn't called or messaged me in 2 days. Obviously I'm over him (see #4 on list) but it is very aggravating. Not only is he harassing me, but now my friends. I'm about thisclose to changing my cell number which will really piss me off because I've had this number since I was 16.

Hmmm I think that is just about it. I miss you all. I'll write again soon, I promise :)

-Rose

Going to the chapel, FUF style.

2009-05-15T11:07:00.006-04:00

I was ~~stalking~~ visiting some of my friends facebook pages this morning and realized that today was graduation practice for the class of 2009.

This had me thinking about the day that Jill and I had graduation practice. Jill's & my name happen to be right next to each other in the alphabet. We ended up getting to walk and sit with each other during graduation and baccalaureate (how effing cool is that? just by chance sitting next to your best friend during graduation? let me tell you, we took pictures the entire time!)

Well, graduation / baccalaureate practice was at 10 on Friday morning. Our last day of class was the previous Monday so we had spent the last four days in a a drunk and smoking stupor. We were tore up, for real. Well, the night before we decided to do a little 8 dollar challenge. All you can drink for 8 bucks and let me tell you, we were serious. I always drank no less than 5 beers and no less than about 10 rum & diets..

Jill wakes me up at about 9:50 the next morning telling me to get my ass ready for practice.

I was drunk as a skunk. Not just the little bit of dizzy head most people have when you quit drinking 8 hours prior. I was a full on stumbling, not talking coherently, couldn't light my own cigarette, smelling like booze drunk bitch at 10 in the morning.

I somehow manage to find a t shirt and jeans to throw on and we went to the chapel to practice for our baccalaureate that would happen that night. All of the seniors line up and go through the main entrance. Once you get into the foyer, there are two separate doors to go through, one on the left and one on the right. The explained that we would be in two lines and both lines would walk through the right door and split from there to be seated.

I was on the left side. Being drunk I obviously didn't understand the directions. As soon as I made it in the chapel I make a beeline for the left door. Stumbling and running. However, I didn't notice there was no one in front or behind me. I vaguely heard someone yelling "Orange shirt. Orange shirt! Wrong way!" I didn't even know I had a damn orange shirt on. Then Jill yells "Rose, you idiot, you're going the wrong way!"

The only thing I could yell back was "I'm drunk!" I then proceeded to run and get back in line. Needless to say, it was a very long, very hot, very very drunk practice.

I think I for sure went out with a bang.

Still Drunk,
Rose

Things is getting crazy!!!

2009-05-14T15:52:00.000-04:00

So, I'm sitting here at work playing around (not going to lie, I was playing Farmtown on Facebook) when I get an email from Luke. He's a teacher here in lovely Kentucky. Being a teacher he gets mad emails from other teachers. Apparently teachers are forwarding fools, they will seriously forward anything. He forwarded me something that another teacher had forwarded to him.

Anyway, this email read "OMG. The rain is started...things is getting crazy!" I thought Luke had gone off his rocker, this boy never and I mean never uses poor grammar. I then scrolled down a little, where he said "Don't people know how to speak?!?"

So, I scrolled down a little farther in the email trying to figure out what all this was about. Another teacher had been sent an email from a teacher several hundred miles away in Po-Dunk County, Kentucky that read: "The rain is started all over again!! Things is so crazy around here and so many children are homeless." This email was sent to the entire Po-Dunk County, Kentucky school!!

And this is why people in Kentucky get a bad rep.

I'm assuming the teacher in Po-Dunk looks something like this...

But at least Po-Dunk teacher has compassion for the homeless kids.

<3,>

p.s. I realize I don't use the best grammar, but I'm not mass emailing with this stuff!

it just doesn't get any better...

2009-05-14T15:26:00.002-04:00

If you like textsfromlastnight.com and fmylife.com, you'll love:

Awkward Family Photos.

I can't get enough of it. I wish there were more, but alas, less than 10 pages so far. The commentary is ridiculously lame as are some of the pictures and the things like "awkward word," but if you can bypass all of that you get some quality Awkward Family Photos!

I would post some of my favorites, but I just can't choose. It's a trainwreck of wonderful.

Go on, click the link. You know you want too!

Love,
Rose

the AR cheating ring.

2009-05-13T08:08:00.004-04:00

When I was in 8th grade, our English teacher was in a bad car wreck and was out most of the year. We had a long term substitute teacher, who was nice enough but a total ditz. She didn't know a comma splice from a hole in her head.

We had this program called Accelerated Reader (or AR for short). The point of the program is to encourage students to read. Books were given point value (most middle school books were 4-6 points and books such as Gone With The Wind were upwards of 50). Each student had to get 20 AR points every 6 weeks of class. I never had a problem doing this as I am a book worm. I would go through the approved list of books and check for ones I had already read, take the test on it and voila! I had my A.

Well, I sat right next to the test computer. I noticed kids weren't getting the points they needed to get an A in the class so I had a genius idea. I got a group of about 10 of my closest friends together. We each were in charge of reading a book (you could pick as long as it was at least a 6 points). We would read the book and then take the test for ourselves and the other kids in the group. That way, people wouldn't bust their ass to read, would get the points they needed & get bonus points by going over 20.

We were famous. Every student wanted to be in the group. Once kids found out about our plan, cheating rings were formed in every English class in the middle school, the 6th graders even started doing it. People would flock to us in the hallways between class periods. They knew we wouldn't take a test for them (make your own ring, bitch!) but they loved us anyway because we figured out a way and executed a plan that could get the entire school get an A. I can imagine it's the same type of high the kids in the movie 21 felt while ripping off the casinos; but we just ripped off the middle school. People admired us.

We were sly, or so we thought...

The plan worked for quite a while. Until the real teacher came back, noticed the huge increase in AR points in our class (since we were the first to do it, our points were massive. We didn't just stop at 20 points, we wanted 50, 100 or more!). She had heard word on the street of our little scheme.

We. Got. Busted.

A group of us were called into the principal's office; most from 2nd hour English (my class), but some from 1st hour. The principal informed us that our cheating ring had been busted. All of us with high points from those two classes had to write a statement (I'm not shitting you. We had to write what we had done and who all was involved in our plan). Once the principle left, we all agreed to write down only the names of the other kids in the office. No point in bringing down the entire middle school.

I remember going home and telling my mom, but I don't remember her being upset at all. I think her exact words were "Even with those zeros, you better still make honor roll." A few days after we gave our statement we were each called into a panel of teachers. I walked into the class cool as a cucumber. "Yeah. I did it. I organized one of the groups." I said to the 5 teachers.

The English teacher burst into tears: "Why? Why you Rose? I know you love to read. You have such good morals, what happened? I just don't understand what would possess you to do such a thing. I wasn't surprised when I saw the rest of the names on the list, but when I saw yours I was completely floored."

"Because I think that AR is a big pile of crap. A lot of people in our class read extremely slow and are lucky if they can finish a single book in 6 weeks. We don't get class time to read and on top of that no one wants to be forced into reading every single day when they get home. I love to read, but by you making me do it, I despise it."

They didn't know what to say. Needless to say, I got my AR privileges revoked and received three zeros in the grade book instead of my normal A. The teacher also had to watch as we logged in to take our test to make sure we weren't doing it for anyone else.

I'm still surprised I didn't get suspended. Or that my mom didn't kill me. However, from then on out, during English we got to spend 10-15 minutes a day reading and the entire class period about once a week.

<3, your ring leader, Rose.

P.S. I still managed an A in English for the year!

i suck at life. or at least blogging.

2009-05-09T22:10:00.004-04:00

I feel like lately every single time I realize that I'm a sucky blogger and vow to change that (by commenting and writing ~~amazing~~ posts) something prevents it.

Case in point:

I got sick on Wednesday at work. When I'm PMSing (which is just about every other week these days), I like to go to IHOP for lunch and get butterscotch rocks pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs and hash browns. Nothing like the combo of so salty I need a gallon of water and so sugary I need cavaties filled to cure PMS. I'm maybe a quarter through my lunch and my tummy starts to hurt. On the way back to work I told my coworker, L, that I was about 99% positive that I was going to hurl when I got out of the car. (Fun fact on Rose: half of the time I can hold my puke until I can make it somewhere safe, the other half of the time I'll be mid-sentence and puke). Sure enough, as soon as I got out of the car, I threw up. Of course, I went home.

Thursday I was feeling a lot better. I got up to take a shower and noticed my eye was a little sore. I just figured it was a stye and rubbed a gold ring on it (I swear that if you're getting a stye and you rub gold on it, it will go away). All morning my contacts were blurry and I couldn't see for shit. At about noon I was smoking and L told me that I had a crusty eye booger that needed to be taken care of. I tried to wipe it away and it was like a line of snot. I was hoping it was just contact irritation. I knew when I left work on Thursday it wasn't just my contacts.

I was right... I have fucking pink eye. I feel like I should have passed the pink eye stage back in elementary school.

Friday morning with my eyes swollen and crusted shut. Seriously, that is the worst thing ever. On top of my eyes being super swollen and crusty, they hurt and itch. I had forgotton how uncomfortable it is.

I went to the doctor and he gave me a special type of drop since I had been wearing contacts. I'm banned from makeup and contacts for a week. Bummer. I also had to throw away my mascara that was two weeks old and my contacts that I had worn one day. FML.

It's a lot better today. Hardly red at all and just minor itching and oozing. I should be back to normal soon. I'll be commenting and hopefully writing more blogs!

Love,
Red Eye Rose

Threading!

2009-05-03T00:34:00.003-04:00

So I know when I mentioned threading my eyebrows it intrigued some of you girls. Threading is a painless, quick and simple way to remove your unwanted hair. I'm not kidding. It always hurts me to pluck and with threading I can't even feel it! I probably wouldn't believe I had removed a hair unless I saw them come out! On top of all that, it works much like waxing and removes multiple hairs at once. (Woah, watch out Billy Mays. I'll be infomercial ready after this post!)

Every time I get my eyebrows waxed I break out and blister horribly. I mentioned this to a girl at work and she told me about threading. It was something I heard of but sounded painful and I knew there was no way to do it on my own. I asked her how much it costs and she said it costs her around $20.00. I thought that was a ludicrous charge for someone to essentially pluck your eyebrows.

I decided I would learn how to do it. I did some research online and couldn't find much. I then went on youtube and there was a jackpot of videos. Some of the videos royally suck and I couldn't figure out what they were doing. It was more so trial and error on my part.

I thought I would share the video that actually taught me how with my lovely readers! Below the video are some of my tips and tricks on how to perfect the art of threading :)

Rose's Tips & Tricks:
--Personally, I think it's very important to make sure you you have down the hand movement before attempting your brows. If you don't have the hand movement down, you'll never get a hair out.

--Try on a leg hair first. That way you can get your hand movement down and be prepared for how it feels before you go on to your eyebrow.
--You will either feel a little pinch (I never have) or hear a pop of sorts when the hair comes out.

--Place the thread flush against your skin. It won't work if the thread isn't touching your skin.

--Sometimes you won't get a hair, but that is okay. Just try again.

--USE COTTON THREAD. No shiny thread. Cotton actually pulls the hair where the shiny thread doesn't pull it out but glides over the hair..

--Make sure that where you are working is dry, not oily and preferably makeup free

--Thread in a well lit area

--The quicker you move your hands the less it hurts. If you pull reeeealllly slow, it's obviously going to hurt more.

--You get a lot of hairs at one time. Take your time and don't go all thread happy. I went threading happy and overdid it a bit.

--To do the middle, hold the thread up and down. This is a bit harder to do, practice makes perfect.

--You can do any hair on your body if you can reach it with your hands. I've only tested on a leg hair and eyebrows.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST: If you don't pick it up immediately, try again. If you get frustrated, try a couple hours later. This is seriously something that everyone should be able to do! I taught a girl at work and she couldn't do it at first but then once she got the first hair she was a pro. It took me about half an hour of trial and error before I actually got a hair!

Good Luck & Happy Threading!

Rose

May Day

2009-05-01T11:31:00.004-04:00

Today when I flipped my Elvis calender (yes, I have an Elvis calender. It's not even that I particularly love Elvis, more along the lines of I don't want one of those lame ass cat and dog calenders in my cube. No offense), I noticed it was May Day.

Now this had me thinking. I've heard of May Day, I know it revolves around some sort of pole dancing and that is about all I got. So I did what I always do and wikipedia-d that shit. Here is what I came up with:

What is May Day:
May Day is exactly half a year from November 1st. It is the celebration to the end of the winter months. And a bunch of other shit

How is May Day celebrated?
Ok, supposedly there is a May Day basket. You put a basket on someone's door step, ring the doorbell and run. When they walk out and see a basket full of goodies they are supposed to go chasing after you. If they catch you, you get a smooch.

Now first of all, I've never heard about this May Day basket business. Second of all, I can't find anything on these on wikipedias May Day site. Maybe I'm thinking of a different holiday:

This holiday is crap. Apparently it isn't important because I'm in the office.

Just little random tid-bit:
Today is also LAW DAY. It is meant to show how the law is the foundation and its importance. Whatever, I've never heard of that either.

I did however find this during my search of May Day. Apparently, I missed a rockin' good time last year:

Happy May Day! (I guess you wish that to people)
Rose

guilty

2009-04-30T09:12:00.002-04:00

We're probably all offenders of this: sending text messages while inebriated. Sucks when you're the sender. Amazing when you read other peoples drunk texts.

Case in point: www.textsfromlastnight.com

Here are a few of my favorites:

(312): My room smells like vodka and shame

(970): Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad

(917): last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
(917): this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
(917): he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
(718): messed up. what color are the wings?

(405): I'm drunk
(615): Is that why you're texting me
(405): Yes

(206): put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

(415): I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.

(612): Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
(1-612): strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
(612): could be more
(1-612): absolutely not

(248): is swine flu sexually transmttd?
(313): Ha no, why?
(248): sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad

(817): I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.

(617): Did you hit it?
(616): Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.

delighted none were from me,
Rose

Don't cry over spilled milk....or ping pong

2009-04-29T10:43:00.005-04:00

Last night Rose, Lesley and I went to a Table Tennis Tournament aka Tx3. A guy Rose and Lesley work with was playing in the tournament. Apparently yesterday at work he was telling everyone they needed to come because there was going to be free beer. That's all Rose had to tell me...I was there.

Anyway, we show up at the bar where this tournament is happening. The bar is one of those that only plays country music and everything in the place is wooden. To be honest, it kind of looked like you were walking into Tombstone except there were neon lights everywhere advertising some kind of beer.
We walk into the bar assuming it would be like any other bar experience.
First of all, the women sitting at the door were Bud Light girls. No offense to the Bud Light girls, but seriously these girls weren't the smartest. Bud Light girl #1 asked us if we were playing or watching. My mouth dropped. Did she seriously think that us girls were going to be playing in a Tx3. I think not. None of us were even dressed appropriately to be playing. Bud Light girl #2 asked who we were watching. We told her and she said "Well, here's the deal..." This was a "Private Party" and the players were only allowed to bring 3 people. Whatever. The guy we were coming to watch had over invited people. She let us in but we didn't get any free drink tickets. Sad day. But none the less, our Table Tennis player gave us drink tickets.

The games begin. The first game was between two old guys. The second game was some girl and a guy I went to high school with, Jeff. Now, let me explain Jeff to you. He is the cutest Asian guy I have ever seen. He was wearing his sweatband under his hair, so he kind of looked like a mushroom. And Jeff is a genius, but has never been too good at hand/eye coordination or sports. Somehow he managed to win his first game against the girl. I can tell you though that the girl kind of looked like a statue with moving arms. She was not getting into the game at all, she had no passion.

The three of us decide that we need another drink, so we got more drink tickets and headed towards the bar. The games were starting to get a bit boring and we had already seen the guy we came to see play.
The three of us bellied up to the bar to get our drinks, when at almost the same time we all looked to our left. The girl who lost to Jeff was bawling her eyes out, crying at the end of the bar.
We couldn't believe our eyes! We came up with a few plans as to how we could cheer her up, including walking over and giving her a drink...but all we could do was sit and stare, oh and laugh. Seriously girl, it's only PING PONG not a life or death situation. She sat there for like 20 minutes crying until we looked up and she had disappeared.
We started talking to the bartender and bouncers who were behind the bar, this girl had been sitting there crying for like 10 minutes before we sat down. They had been talking about it as well.

Seriously though, who the fuck cries over a game of ping pong? I agree, I would have been disappointed if I had entered this tournament and lost in the first round (especially if I lost to a guy in a sweatband) but I would not have cried over it. Yes, she could have won a trip to Vegas and possibly $100,000...but wow, this girl has some serious issues.

Soon after I was done hitting on one of the bouncers (who we knew from another bar) we left.

Lesson learned. Never, ever cry over a game of ping pong at a bar...if you do, go out to your car and do it!

<3 Your Bff, Jill?

smooth

2009-04-27T22:00:00.002-04:00

A guy from work, Tommy, has been pestering me to go bar hopping with him for at least a month. I finally gave in and told him I would go out Saturday night if he remembered to send me a text.

Sure enough, Saturday I received a text "Wanna go out tonight?" I figured why the hell not so I called up a work friend Lesley and asked her to go. Plus, earlier that day I bought a new pair of hot sex black patent Guess pumps that needed to have their debut. (I tried to find a picture, but couldn't)

I planned on going home after the night was over. When I picked up Lesley, I told her the plan, I would drink before we left if she would drive, have one drink at the bar and quit for the rest of the night so I could drive her home.

I started drinking and had a bit of a buzz by the time we made it to DownTown BigCity, we went to two sort of upscale bars that are connected. I like more of laid back place, but Tommy wanted to go so we gave in. We get inside and I immediately had to wait about 15 minutes to pee. Then I made my happy, slightly tipsy, self to the bar and ordered my favorite, Gin and Tonic.

Tommy decides he wants to dance. He is off dancing like a fool (no literally, dancing like a fool. He looked like John Travolta during his Saturday Night Fever days). We make our way to the dance portion of the bar. At the corner of the dance floor there was a little box for the bouncers/drunk women to stand on. Trying to act smooth, I was dancing in front of it and decided to step back onto it. Before I took my first step back and up, I looked at Lesley and said "Now this is how it's done."

I didn't make it.

I am ~~not~~ smooth.

I fell forward and twisted my ankle and was caught by a man with an afro and buck teeth. He was an ugly version of the Reading Rainbow guy, afro flat top included. Thank God I didn't break my ~~ankle~~ new heels. It would have been catastrophic.

AfroMan/ReadingRainbow looked at me after the tumble and said "I've been watching you all night and been waiting for a chance to ask you to dance." I looked at him, snarled my nose and pointed down, "Can't dance, I'm hurt."

Then he starts grinding on Lesley. Not only did I feel humiliated for her because I declined the bozo and he went for her, but I felt bad because HE HAD A BONER. Pure class people, pure class.

Your ankle breaker,
Rose

100th!

2009-04-24T10:06:00.006-04:00

ladies & gentlemen, please raise your glass
This is our 100th post!

It's like the 100th day of school in elementary where you bring in 100 of anything, but better. Way better.

We just wanted to take a moment to thank all of our lovely readers for their support, love and ~~dirty~~ comments. You've been with us through our best and worst.

We couldn't have done it without you all!

Love,
IDK, your BFFs,
Rose & Jill

P.S. Sorry we couldn't do some fancy smancy giveaway like most people do at 100, but bitches be broke. We love you anyway.

lucky number eight

2009-04-24T09:55:00.006-04:00

Little Woman tagged both of us in an 8 things post!

Up first: Rose

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Retirement
2. Possible mini vacation with Jill in July
3. Moving out of my parent's house
4. Shopping for more LUSH products (I already have what I want picked out!)
5. Having a job I absolutely love. However, at this point I would take having a job I just kind of like
6. Getting married some day
7. Having children (maybe)
8. THE WEEKEND

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Wrote a blog
2. Worked
3. Watched Grey's Anatomy with my sister
4. Ate a SmartOnes dinner because I was too lazy to make anything else
5. threaded my eyebrows
6. Went to McDonald's for breakfast.
7. Got paid (well, it was a midnight, but I'm counting it)
8. Window shopped online (etsy, lush, MAC cosmetics)

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Sleep in every single day.
2. Go ahead and retire. I think working is overrated
3. Artistic things like drawing, painting (not to be confused with crafty)
4. Be an excellent cook
5. Have brightly colored tattoo sleeves (with feminine beautiful things like cupcakes and swallows)
6. Own a vintage clothing store or a record/music/coffee shop
7. Backpack across Europe (I've already been to England, but I want to see it all)
8. Be a singer in a band (I'm lacking a little thing called talent)

8 Shows I Watch:
1. LOST
2. Keeping Up With The Kardashians
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Secret Diary of a Call Girl
5. The Tudors
6. Sex & The City
7. America's Next Top Model
8. Top Chef

Next: Jill

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. THE WEEKEND!!!!!
2. When I turn 49, then I can retire!
3. Getting to know the new boy more (you all will find out more about him later).
4. Moving out of my current apartment and into a house *hopefully*.
5. My next cigarette break, it's coming soon!
6. Summer
7. Of course, the possiblility of going on a mini-vacay with Rose this July!
8. Did I already say the weekend?

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Had IV fluids pumped into me.
2. Wrote a blog.
3. Slept.
4. Called-in to work.
5. Made my mom's Mother's Day present.
6. Passed out in my bathroom.
7. Played the Wii with the boys.
8. Smoked too many cigarettes.

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Never work another day in my life.
2. Fall in love.
3. Play the banjo...seriously, it would be great.
4. Buy a house.
5. Be a full-time student for the rest of my life.
6. Get out of debt, stupid student loans.
7. Lose about 30 more pounds.
8. Train a dog successfully...

8 Shows I Watch:
1. Weeds
2. Californication
3. Secret Diary of a Call Girl
4. The United States of Tara
5. Southpark
6. Family Guy
7. House
8. Bones

8 Bloggers We're Tagging:
1. Re-Re
2. Shannon
3. Chelsea
4. Courtney & Christina
5. JayCee Leigh
6. Susan
7. PinkNic
8. Adlibby

Bitches, I'm Back!

2009-04-23T18:37:00.002-04:00

I'm not going to go into the long boring stories about how I haven't written and how I suck at life...sorry. I'm just going to jump right into it.

I honestly can't think of a completely horrible date that I've gone on. So, I'm going to tell you about the most random, awkward sexual encounter I have had.

I don't really remember how I met this guy, however I do know that it was online...possibly myspace, classy I know. Anyway, I started talking to this guy because he was from the same city as me, he didn't look too horrible and he was fun to talk to. Eventually it got to the point where he wanted to meet me. Let me just say, I did not have any intentions on meeting him to begin with.

Rose and I were in the middle of finals, so we were both trying to cram in a semesters worth of material in one week. We would go to a larger college's library to study during finals, so we wouldn't get distracted by all the people we knew. One night I had been talking to the guy online when he said that he was at the library we were getting ready to go to. I told him I'd be there in a little bit and if he wanted to wait, he would be able to meet me.

Rose and I ended up meeting this guy at a local pita restaurant. Internet boy decided he needed to go back to the library, where Rose and I were headed anyway. We all walked into the library with our laptops and books and found a table where we could all sit, it was somewhere in the basement. Thanks to wi-fi, we were all able to talk separately without the other knowing what we were saying. Internet boy and I were talking about how we wanted to jump each others bones, Rose and Internet boy were talking about how me and him needed to get a room and I was talking to Rose about how they were talking about me. It was a mess. Every once and a while we would all erupt in laughter

After a few awkward glances upward, Internet boy finally caught my glance. He sent me a message asking me to follow him to the bathroom. I let Rose know what was going on, so she would know where I was and wouldn't worry.

Internet boy got up and a few minutes later, I followed. Rose decided it was too awkward and went outside to smoke a cigarette and call a friend.

Once Internet boy and I got into the bathroom, it was on. We were making out, touching each other in rather inappropriate places and just having a great time. Yes, the random knocks at the door were a downer but overall it was great...until he unzipped his pants.

He was uncircumcised. OK, now don't get me wrong...I know some people like this. I am not one of them. It grossed me out, especially since I had never seen one before.

All I could think to myself was how this guy wanted a blow job. I was completely caught off-guard by all the skin.
This blow job seriously lasted all of 2 minutes. I could not resist the gagging feeling I was getting. Yuck. I was done.

I walked back out to our stuff, told Rose about what was going on and we peaced the fuck out. Internet boy still tries to talk to me now, whenever he does I just laugh...he's apparently in law school and is dating some girl who looks like Anna Nicole Smith.

Good Riddance Internet boy.

-Jill

blowjobs and bathrooms

2009-04-23T16:32:00.005-04:00

Under the Influence suggested a post on first/most memorable one night stand. Good topic. I have a couple memorable ones, but one takes the cake.

My first one night stand is also my most memorable. I think I've said it before, but I let Sam cash in on the V-Card so I was "everything but" girl in college (minus a few VERY close encounters with the Douche).

The very first night of college I met some upperclassmen girls (they lived in the room beside me and were actually in the sorority I later joined.) and they invited me to go out with them the first Saturday I was there. First of all, this is a huge no no. You are not allowed to go out with freshman during their orientation week. You are definitely not allowed to take them to a frat house. Being the rule breaker that I was, I went.

We got to the fraternity house and went and hung out in this guy named Brian's room. He was giving drinks away freely, another thing against the rules, no alcohol on campus. Of course, being a BAMF (that is Bad Ass Mother Fucker for those who do not know), I grabbed greedily. It wasn't a big deal for me to drink, I've been drinking since 6th grade, it was however a big deal because I couldn't buy the contraband. (He was 21 and I was a lowly 17, soon to be 18 year old). It was lemonade and vodka; I drank so much of that when I was in college it makes me sick to think about.

Fast forward a couple weeks. Brian and I had this major flirtation thing going on. Brian also had a girlfriend, Anna, who was in said sorority I later joined. Are you all sensing a pattern here? I'm a homewrecker, I guess. (Homewrecking tally that I've written about so far: Douche, Sam and now Brian). I guess I just have no morals. Ok, that is so not true, I was just young and dumb.

Eh, on to the story.

One night after massive amounts of binge drinking I decided I needed some WaHo (that would be Waffle House) in my life. Brian took me and another girl. We got back to campus and he dropped the other girl off at our dorm. He asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with him around campus. Sure, why the hell not? It's 3 in the morning and I'm drunk, maybe I should walk around and see if I can get a PI. We ended up walking by the student center on campus.

Brian worked at campus safety in the student center and paged the person on call. I'm not sure what excuse he used on the rent-a-cop, but he let us in the locked building. Next thing I know, we're downstairs and he is leading me into the men's bathroom where we proceeded to hook up. Classy, no? I assume we went into the bathroom because his girlfriend often slept in his dorm room.

After he had his glory we went back to the dorm. His girlfriend was asleep in his bed so I peaced out. If you're gonna be a homewrecker, you gotta keep that shit a secret.

It was a night of firsts: first one night stand (if you will), first time I had ever given a blowjob and the first (and only time) I've ever hooked up in a public bathroom. Although it was my first, he later told me "That was the best head EVER," which is a comment I've heard a couple times.

Just for the record, I know it's pretty filthy... ~~being a mistress~~ hooking up in a very public bathroom in a student center, and the men's room at that!

I guess Anna had an idea what was going on because she badmouthed me to the sorority and I didn't get a bid my freshman year. I'm guessing it was because I was a slut. Here is laughing at her though, as soon as she graduated I got that bid. HAHA.

Dirty Bathroom Whore,
Rose

at least I got a drink out of it.

2009-04-21T21:14:00.006-04:00

When I asked the blog for help with topics, The Dumbest Smart Girl You Know was the first to give a topic: "I love dating horror stories. What were your worst dates ever?"

Well, that is easy enough. Mine wasn't really a single it date. It was several forced awkward ones with the same person. I'm sure Jill remembers this all quite well (if she wasn't totally belligerently drunk the entire time. But to be fair, most of that year is a haze for me too) because we got some seriously good laughs out of it.

My senior year of college I dated (and I use this term lightly) a total douche bag. I knew he was a douche bag because he cheated on his girlfriend with me and that is how we got together in the first place. Jill knew he was a douche. All my other friends knew he was a douche. I think that is why I liked him... plus, he was pretty hot. Even my grandma said so. It didn't hurt that he had money and always paid for everything (I was in college and had to beg people for liquor money. Don't judge me.)

When I finally decided that I was over him, I started listening to my Mom. Mom had been trying to get me to go out with this guy named Will since I was about 17 which was about the last time I saw him. So I considered it a blind date.

"You all will get married. I just know it," she said. "You are perfect for each other!" I should have sprinted for the hills then, but being broke I figured,"Hey, free date. At least I can save money on food and buy more alcohol for later!"

You know the story: He called. We chatted a little about my life, a little about his life. He asked me out. We had a date for that Friday; he was to pick me up at my dorm around 8.

I got ready and waited for Will to show up. He called and said he was pulling in front of my dorm. I looked out the window and saw this:

Jill and I gasped. You have got to be fucking kidding me. I knew I was in for it at that very moment. First of all, that truck was a little to country for my liking. Don't get me wrong, I'm a born and bred country girl but really, a flat bed? What the fuck is the purpose of that? The only other person I knew with one was my 94 year old grandfather and even he didn't have a use for it!

I gave Will the benefit of the doubt and walked out to meet him. I grabbed onto the "oh shit" handle and hoisted myself up into that bad boy.

"I was thinking about the Logan's in BigTown for dinner and possibly a bar after." Will said. I told him that was fine and picked up my cell phone to text Jill that he wasn't horrendous and he seemed decent enough.

We got to dinner and he told me to go ahead and order a drink first. "I'll have a tall Amber Bock," I said. He just gave me a look that screamed LUSH. "I'll have a Coors light... in a bottle. I don't need a tall one." Uh oh. Awkward. We started chatting about life or something.

Then he drops the first bomb: BOOM "I'm 33." WOAH. Momma hooked me up with someone 12 years older than me? What could I possibly have in common? Before I had time to fully register that he had hit puberty before I was born, BOOM bomb number 2... "The longest relationship I've ever had was 6 weeks." AND YOU'RE 33?? I had relationships longer than that in middle school! I knew it couldn't possibly work and I wanted to get the fuck out of there. Plus, the dinner was coming to an end and I was itching to get back to campus to drink with my friends.

"So, Rose, about that bar?" Well, I felt obligated. It was 8:30 and I couldn't feign being tired. So he takes me someplace that looks like this:

I guess he listened when I told him that Jill and I frequented the shady bar up the road. Although we did go often, we went for free drinks and we were friends with the bar tender. That is not the type of place you take a girl on a first date.

About 15 minutes into I fed him a line of bullshit along the lines of "I have a bit of a headache and have to study for my senior thesis first thing in the morning." Like I would ever get up on a Saturday morning to study!

He drove me back and asked me if I would like to go out Tuesday night. For once in my life I couldn't come up with an excuse.

Tuesday came and I fucking felt obligated to go. I told him I had more studying to do (total lie, I had drinking plans) and that we should go to the Applebees in CollegeTown. After more forced and awkward conversation he took me back to my dorm. When he parked to let me out of the car he scooted himself next to me. First of all, I find sitting that close to someone that I don't care for extremely uncomfortable. Second of all, I knew what was next...

He kissed me. I felt like I was frenching my 5 year old dog. His tongue was everywhere. I've been throwing up drunk and had better kisses then that one.

So, he calls me on the following Saturday and I answered. My thoughts will be in italics.
Will: How are you?
Rose: Well and yourself? like I give a fuck
Will: Great! I can't wait to see you again. Oh, shit. Oh shit. He is going to ask me out again. What did you do last night?
Rose: Well, Jill and I went to our bar. Got pretty drunk. I headed back to the dorm. Jill being the Lush that she is stayed with the boys she met that night. One of the boys called me from Jill's phone and asked me to come over. They picked me up and we hung out until about 8 this morning.
Will: Well. This obviously isn't going to work out. We're in two completely different stages in our lives. You want to party too much.
Rose: Okay. Bye.

Then later that night he called me: "Rose, I'm drunk. I've been drinking since I talked to you earlier today. I'm upset. I thought this could really be something. I just don't understand why you aren't interested. When you graduate college will you be ready to settle down?" HE JUST KEPT GOING. No wonder his longest relationship was 6 weeks! "Well, Will. I'm not really sure. It sure has been real though!"

And that was that. Apparently during the span of our first and second date he stopped by my parent's house and had a drink with them and talked to them for quite a while about my beauty, my wit, and who the hell knows what else.

I had to explain to Mom that we were just in two different places. Plus I've had bottles of lube and periods that lasted longer than his entire relationship.

My Mom still brings him up. "Whatever happened with you and Will? I was so sure you would hit it off!"

Sure, Mom. If I wanted to date a clinger.

Still a drunk,
Rose

help us!

2009-04-19T20:24:00.004-04:00

Jill & I have been in the mood to write amazing blogs lately but we have a little problem:

Writer's Block.

Yes, it's true. We are having trouble coming up with delightfully inappropriate things to post on. We need a little boost to get our blogging hiatus behind us.

So we ask this of you, dear readers:

What do you want us to write about??
Leave us comments with topics for the blog and we'll write on it! It really doesn't matter how inappropriate it is! Nothing is really too taboo for Rose & Jill.

Please, just help some girls out!

See ya real soon,
Rose

Well, it's time again...

2009-04-16T21:59:00.005-04:00

Time for a TMI post. But it's worth it (I think.) Informative and funny. Can't get much better...

So since my hormones have gone all buck nasty crazy with switching birth controls my armpits decided to follow. Yes, ladies and gents, you read it right, Rose here has some sweaty pits. Well, until last weekend.

I had tried seriously everything: Secret, Secret Clinical, some Secret with lotion, Mitchum, Dove, the list goes on. I seriously have about ten deodorants right now that I'll probably never use.

Nothing was cutting it. I was in my second week of wearing jackets that covered up cute shits because of pit stains when I started to get pissed. I was about 2 minutes away from calling the Dr. to get some prescription B.O. Control (Ok, they don't stink, just extra wet but I liked the way B.O. & control rhyme).

Then I got on Walgreens website and did a little searching and the Clouds of Heaven opened up and showed me Certain-Dri. 72 hours of coverage? Seriously, 72 hours without putting it on again? I was sold.

I marched my happy ass to the CVS in town (We don't have a Walgreens in SmallTown). I bought the CVS equivalent, Ultra Dry, since I've spent about $50 on deodorant the past couple weeks. Then I got the Certain-Dri Morning refresher business because why the hell not? I've already dropped what seemed like enough cash for a new iPod.

I got home and read the instructions: Don't use after shaving or bathing. Luck still on my side, I had bathed that morning. I took my shirt off and applied "sparingly."

or so I thought...

After a few minutes my arm pits started to tingle. Moments later my arm pits were starting to get hot. Then it felt like they were on fire. I had put so much on it literally scorched my skin. I had to sleep with my arms out to the side because I couldn't stand fabric on them.

By the next morning I had a chemical burn. Fucking awesome. At least there was no sweat. By that night I still didn't have any sweat. Or the next day. Or the next! Even though I had showered (it doesn't come off!) and shaved! I've used it for a week now and let me just say, it really does work for 3 days.

The moral of the story is : Sparingly = One swipe.

FirePits,
Rose

Easy Money: Snail Herd at Home!

2009-04-15T20:32:00.004-04:00

As you all know, my life has a been a bit hectic as of late but the good news is I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things! Meaning: I'll post more often and start commenting :)

I've been meaning to post this for quite a long time, but keep forgetting. One day I was on our email [delightfullyinappropriates(at)yahoo.com]. I was writing a blog and accidentally clicked the subject button. To my surprise, it filled in a subject for me. So, I clicked it again. A new subject popped up. I bet I spent AT LEAST an hour clicking that fucking button.

Not only is it perfect for people like me that can never figure out what to write in that damn space but they're funny too! I've decided from now on when I can't think of a blog title, I'm using that subject button bitch. Here are a few of my favorites (and of course, what I thought when I read them):

open air hubhub or underwater sub snub?
By far my favorite. Plus it is super fun to say.

dog snoring: better than a good haircut
I'm going to disagree on this one.

girls, are, wicked awesome
someone missed the day in elementary school that was dedicated to the comma.

I Brake for Unicorns
Ditto.

Early bird gets the worm. But what about the early worm?
It dies.

I'd love to but I'm building a pig from a kit.
This is way better than saying "Sorry, I'm washing my hair"

Facts: 1) Ninjas are mammals. 2) Ninjas fight ALL the time. 3) The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.
I couldn't have said it better myself

We have located your pants
THANK JESUS! been wondering about them for DAYS

Who drank my crystal pepsi?
Someone in the 1980s

Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
Oh HELLS YES.

Go ahead, try it. It will change your life. It's worth it, I swear!

Kinda like Desmond from Lost but not saving the world,
Rose

finally at rest.

2009-04-10T20:45:00.003-04:00

My Papa passed away this morning very peacefully. I took off work yesterday because I knew the end was near, and I have never been so thankful in my life. Around 3 this morning he was experiencing some apnea and eventually quit breathing around 5. It was just like he was asleep. My Mom & sister said they have seen several people die and have never seen someone go so easily which brings a lot of peace to me & my family/

The night before last around 1 in the morning, we had a "family reunion" as he called it around his bed. He was very lucid so we took advantage of the situation. It was the most precious time I've ever spent with a person. He told us he loved us, was proud of us, everything that he hadn't really said that often (Papa was a very, very private man and much like my father, doesn't display his emotions). He looked at my sister and said "I love you" then looked at Dad and said "But I love him the most." It was something my father has waited a long time to hear.

Around 2, I was sitting by his bed and I asked him how he was "I've been a bad boy" he said. I asked him why and he said "I was at the barn with my brothers but I left because I didn't do it!" He had a sparkle in his eye and looked and acted just like a child. I guess he was remembering a time when he and his 3 brothers had been in trouble growing up. I couldn't help but smile.

We knew our time speaking to him was up so my Dad asked him if he wanted to lay down. Papa said "No, I just want to enjoy my last day here." He drifted off to sleep soon after and didn't wake up again. He opened his eyes a couple times yesterday and nodded his head, but he slept almost the entire day.

Obviously, we're all having a difficult time with this... especially Dad. However, we all know that he is in a much better place, had an amazing life, loved his family more than he could ever tell us and went very peacefully. That is all we could ever ask for.

Here are some of my favorite interesting tid-bits of information on my grandfather.

--Papa was a real life cowboy. He lived in Oklahoma until he went to college. He said the hardest thing he ever had to learn how to do was to sleep in a saddle.
--He was fluent in an Indian language (Choctaw, I think) and spoke it to us all of the time growing up. We never knew what the hell he was saying. He was also fluent German and I'm pretty sure Latin. He knew bits and pieces of other languages as well
--He received his Ph.D. in Organic Chemistry in 1939, four years after graduating college. Yes, he skipped his master's!
--Papa had his first article published in a prestigious chemical magazine in 1938. Yep, before he was even a Dr.!!!!
--He worked at Kodak. While there he had at least 8 published articles (that I could find). He was granted 14 patents by the US & Canada in his first 6 years. Dad said he has upwards of 50 patents. Seriously, my grandfather was an inventor!
--He is one of the men (I believe there were 4 total) who perfected color film as we know it. We can all think Pops for no longer only having black & white photographs!
--He worked on the Manhattan Project. He mixed some of the chemicals such as the Uranium.

The funeral is Monday. Instead of mourning his death, I've decided to celebrate his life. Please pray for my family during these times. I know we'll be alright, we are at peace with his death.

Love,
Rose

Here is a lovely waste of 2 minutes...You're welcome =]

2009-04-10T08:53:00.003-04:00

Hey Y'all!

Sorry, I've been a blog procrastinator, again...

Not a lot has been going on here in Kentucky, minus the weather!
It seriously was 70 degrees one day, the next it was 30 degrees and snowing!! Talk about messing with one's allergies, mine have been all over the place for the past two weeks.
Today it's raining and we have the chance for severe storms.

Hope you enjoyed the weather report...

I'm pretty stoked because the Avett Brothers are coming to my hometown in June! I've been needing to go to a show, and this one will be a great one to get back into the swing of going to shows! Plus--I got second row seating!
If you don't know who the Avett Brothers are, you should. Check them out on Myspace, or you can go here.
Here is a picture of them...

If you can't tell, I'm in a really good mood today. Today, being Good Friday, I only have to work a half-day. As of right now I have 2 hours to go! I get to get out of here at 11am, kudos to me for getting here at 7am this morning.

I know this has been a really random post from yours truly, but thank you for sticking with me. I'm trying to get back into the groove.

-Jill

bad things really do come in threes

2009-04-03T23:48:00.004-04:00

You know when you get so tired you can't sleep? I'm going through that right now. I haven't slept since Wednesday night. I apologize in advance if this doesn't make much sense but I just need to vent and get this off my chest because right now I feel like my life is falling apart at the seams. Mostly I'm asking you all for prayers, karma, vibes, whatever you do, for me & my family. The rest of this post is about what is going on and is extremely long.

Sister (who is a nurse) quit her job at a nursing home to stay home with my 96 year old (97 this month!) grandfather, Papa. Obviously, since he's 96 he has some issues. He was starting to fall, wasn't really eating well (or at all for that matter), he is losing his vision, etc. My Dad goes over to his house everyday for cocktail hour and has since my GaGa died when I was 2.

Papa had to live with us for about a year when I was in 6th grade because he had Dursban poisoning (which is a spray for termites, I believe. The person applied it wrong and he couldn't figure out why he was sick until too late). He had less than a 5% chance of survival then and he pulled through. The only thing that changed was his voice and he sounds fuzzy now; I have a hard time understanding a lot of what he says. He got sick a couple months ago and again, pulled through. He is very independent (minus driving because he is losing his sight) and he wanted to live on his own. My Dad noticed he was becoming malnourished so he started making breakfast for him every morning and my mom cooks his dinner. They also started him on an appetite stimulant. He started getting worse off which is why Sis is now staying with him. Sister and I went grocery shopping for him on Saturday and seriously bought every single fattening food we could find. Papa is close to 6 feet tall and is 117 pounds with clothes (I told him he makes models jealous!). His legs are the size of my wrist, he looks what I imagine a holocaust victim would look like.

So Sis and I were talking Tuesday night and she mentioned that she didn't see Papa pee at all on Monday or Tuesday and she was there for over 8 hours each day. We just figured maybe it was because he is dehydrated and malnourished. She called me around noon on Wednesday to tell me that Papa was getting sick and laying down. We chit-chatted for a bit then I went back to work. I got a text message around 4 "Taking Papa to the hospital by ambulance, too sick to go by car." I called her to see what the hell was going on. Apparently, in the span of a couple hours he became extremely ill and my sister felt she couldn't care for him. I asked her if I should come to the hospital and she told me that Dad had canceled his patients for the rest of the day; which meant yes.

I got to the hospital and they had him hooked up to an IV and a chest monitor. He has pneumonia and congestive heart failure. They admitted him to the hospital and several hours later my parents told me and Sis to go on home, everything would be fine. Sis and I went out to dinner and on our way home Sis got a call from Mom saying we needed to come back to the hospital. I got out of the car and Sis told me to get dressed, we needed to go back because he had taken a turn for the worse and may not make it through the night.

Now I don't know what you believe so this may sound strange: I believe in spirits. I always have, especially since living in my house (remember, its 200 years old and has had my entire family live and die in it). I believe it is someone who hasn't gone to heaven yet, waiting in a limbo of sorts for loved ones or whatever it is that is holding them. Someone once told me that to move a spirit from one place to another, they have to go with someone who is alive. When I went upstairs to change out of my work clothes, I started talking, mostly it was to my grandmother. I told her that I thought Papa was going to die and if she wanted to go to the hospital then I was leaving in a couple minutes and that Papa hadn't seen her in over 20 years so I'm sure she is the first person he would want to see.

So I got to the hospital and Papa really had taken a turn for the worse. He was laying lifeless. As soon as I walked into the room I started to cry. Everyone told me to talk to him but I didn't know what to say. I've never said a goodbye to someone dying. My other grandfather and step-grandfather died suddenly. I finally choked out "I love you" and he looked at me and said "I love you too." I didn't know what to do so I just left the room. My Dad was changing him to a DNR because there was no way he would survive CPR or paddles. I waited while Dad did that and we went outside to sit in the car so I could smoke and calm down. I went in and talked to him a couple more times, but mostly just stayed in the car with Mom. Around 2 in the morning, Mom told me to go home. I tried to sleep but couldn't

He lived through the night. I stayed with him some on Thursday, I couldn't go to work. He ate a bit, talked a bit, I bathed him and it seemed like he was getting better. So much that no one stayed the night with him last night. Turns out that was a mistake because he tried to get out of the bed and fell. Now he has a couple skin tears to add to the bed sore we noticed developing yesterday. Today I went to work for a little bit to get some things done but I felt that I was needed elsewhere.

I stayed with him for about 6 hours today while the rest of my family was running their errands and sleeping. He kept trying to get out of bed. I guess he thought we were at home because he kept wanting to go to the kitchen and the den. Apparently when he fell the other night it was because he wanted to go into the living room because he heard us talking. One point he looked at me and said "I don't understand why no one else is here and they are all in the other room. I think they forgot about me. Let's go find them." I couldn't help it but I started to cry. I explained to him for what felt like the millionth time that we were in the hospital. He just said "I know where we are." Then he told me to "Shut the hell up" which is soooo not my Papa. Since he kept trying to get out of the bed we had the nurses give him something that would make him sleep or at least stop trying to get up. He had one around noon today.

By about 3:30 I couldn't keep him in the bed. He's so weak and I can't support him. I called the nurse and asked for more meds and she told me "No, not until 8 tonight. He is very old and we can't risk giving him too much." I looked at her and said "I understand you have to tell me that but you need to call Dr. B immediately and tell him that I want him to be able to take it every FOUR hours or PRN." She just kind of looked at me because I was a bitch, but seriously, I have a 96 year old who is malnourished and fighting me "to go to the kitchen." Needless to say, we got it.

Dad came in around 6. I helped Dad feed Papa dinner and explained how Papa was starting to get very agitated with me because he wanted to get out of the bed. Well, apparently after I left all hell broke loose. He tried to hit Dad. He kicked my brother in the chest. My sister had to go to the hospital 2 hours ago to have him completely sedated. This just isn't him. When Sis went in tonight he was asking where I was. She said when she was in the room that she thought GaGa was in there. She said it looked like Papa was holding someones hand and rubbing their back with his other hand.

It's inevitable that he will pass this time. It's just been so damn hard. While I was watching him the Hospice nurse came in to introduce herself to me and to get to know my Papa a little better. I explained to her that my mother was home preparing a room for him and all of that. We'll be moving him home from the hospital sometime this weekend because that is where he would want to die.

It's just harder than I ever imagined. I've never seen someone dying. I've never seen someone who doesn't know what is going on. My Dad is being so strong and I just don't know how he is doing it. I've cried nonstop since Wednesday and my Dad is just stoic. He looked at the doctor on Wednesday when he asked what the plan was and said "I think it's time to change him to DNR. He's old. He's tired. He's ready to go." I just can't imagine EVER saying that about one of my parents.

I don't know what else to say. I'm exhausted. I can't sleep and when I do I just have nightmares. I'm trying to stay strong. I just didn't know it was so hard.

-Rose

the green gorilla

2009-03-31T22:19:00.005-04:00

So Sunday night I got bored and decided to hit up the local Wal-Mart to buy some random things (seriously, I went in there for mascara and ended up perusing the aisles, like normal).

I was randomly walking through the bedding aisle and found what I consider to be one of the cutest bed sets I have ever seen. It is seriously darling. And cheap. I looked at the tag and the bedding is by Green Gorilla which is manufactured by CHF. I couldn't find an actual picture of the bed set anywhere, but found this while googling.

You can't really tell, but the comforter is green with all different color birds and flowers on it. (I think it looks like fish in the picture, but no it's totally birds). Not only that, but the set also included sheets, which are white with multi colored flowers, and pillow cases. All for $65!

And it gets better...

While searching EVERYWHERE for this Green Gorilla line, I came across a press release that says: "Cotton used is 100% organic, certified by SKAL, and created with low-impact dyestuffs, she said. Designs feature animals, butterflies, sports, florals and '50s graphic themes. Eco-friendly packaging has a smaller carbon footprint, and the insert is made from recycled materials."

Not only good for the environment but cute too?! I love the fact that the cotton is 100% organic. And that the press release uses the word "dyestuffs." And can we just talk about the '50s graphic themes? And eco-friendly packaging and reducing carbon footprints and it's recycled?!

On the CHF website (the makers of the Green Gorilla line), they had some of the other bed sets. I especially love the one with the trees!

I am in love with this line. I'm totally going back for the little bird pillow that matches. I just wish it was easier to find online. All I know is that it's environmentally awesome, cute & available at your local Wal-Mart.

Sleeping Soundly,
Rose

I'd hit that...

2009-03-29T20:21:00.005-04:00

Just sayin'

Love,
Rose

Batter OUT.

2009-03-26T20:13:00.004-04:00

We have a work softball team. I was asked to be on it but politely declined. See story below:

When I was in middle school my sister (age 12) and I (age 13) played softball. We played on the same team, the Bandits. Our uniforms were black. Pretty badass if you ask me. Sis and I always played in positions that work together (I was pitcher, she was catcher). We decided to try something new, me on first base & she was on second.

She sprained her ankle and was out for a week or 2. Since we live in Small Town, the odds of us not knowing each girl in our age group (and interacting with them daily at school) was slim to none. Everyone knew she had been hurt; she was on crutches.

She was finally able to play a game and I was stoked. Her first game back was against the Bears (okay, I totally made that up. I have no flippin' clue the team name). My entire family showed up including parents, grandparents and brothers.

It was that game when a Heartless Bitch (that is what I like to refer to her as. From here on known as HB) almost ruined my entire summer league career.

HB came up to bat. She hit a double. She ran past me and then went running to second base. Sis was off to the side waiting to have the ball thrown to her.

HB pummeled into her. The knock you down, make you roll, dust flying kind of push. On purpose. There was no way it was accidental as Sis was closer to short stop than second base. When the ump stopped the game to check on Sis she shook it off. I knew she was hurt. Call it sister's intuition if you will.

I. WAS. LIVID.

HB came back up to bat and hit a single. Perfect timing. I knew there would be 30 seconds or so where I could get a word in.

"Hey. I saw what you did to my sister," I whispered.

"I don't know what you're talking about." HB replied.

"You're a fucking liar. You know what you did. You're a coldhearted bitch. You fucking ran into her on purpose because you knew she was hurt. I swear to God if you as so much as look at my sister when you get to her base I will fucking kill you. If not during the game, I'll meet you at your dugout after," I said through clenched jaws.

Woah, Rose. Went a little far, didn't ya? What kind of 13 year old talks like that? Oh, yeah. I forgot, me.

Next thing I know the umpire is in my face because HB told him that I was threatening her. Great. I had to play all innocent (which I admit, I pulled off very well). The ump warned me if there was ever an incident with me again I would be kicked out of the league. My coach took my side against HB, made a scene and ended up being ejected from the game.

When the game resumed I walked back towards first base while giving HB the best bitch smile I could muster. A cold smile full of hatred that meant business. I knew I had won, she was scared. HB didn't even glance at my sister while running towards 2nd, in fact she kept her eyes down. She knew better not too.

Of course, my family knew what had happened. They knew me too well. I ended up with a pat on the shoulder from Mom for taking up for Sis.

It takes a lot for me to get pissed off to that degree, but when I do the person antagonizing me (or someone I'm close with) is toast. You know, if HB had done it again, I probably would have beaten her to a pulp. I'm just like that for the ones I love (and yes, Jill is included in this category). Lucky for her, she was smart enough not to look at my sister for the rest of the summer.

I just can't let my coworkers see this side of me ...yet

Sometimes a Fighter and Not a lover,
Rose

({*}) For mature audiences only...

2009-03-25T13:38:00.008-04:00

EXCUSE ME????
Did I just read that right?
"~*Love your Vagina, Love the Vaginas you meet, Foster understanding and appreciation of Vagina, Be happy with your Vagina ♀*~"

Whoa. Hold up.

So, I've been on www.etsy.com a lot this week. I have to do a bunch of window shopping because I'm broke, so in one of my attempts to fill that shopping void deep within, I began searching for tobacco pouches (I've started rolling my own cigarettes and needed a pouch to put everything in). I click on this cute little pouch that looks like it would work...I was in for a shock.

This pouch most definitely will not work, because it has a huge VAGINA on it, and I think it's a wallet anyway.

I got curious...who on earth would put a vag on a wallet in the first place...oh yeah, that's right the same person who would make Vulva Necklaces, "Happy Uterus" stuffed animals and Vagina Pillows.

If you want to check it out for yourself you can go to Vulva Love Lovely.

Here are some samples of old Vulva Love's mechandise...and don't get too excited, you can most definitely purchase these items, I don't think they flying off the shelves anytime soon.

This may be the first time I have ever seen a "Vagina Pillow", now girls...don't get too excited (or maybe you should)...It has a secret pocket for your vibrator.

Next up is the Vagina Pendant Necklace. If you have a strong gag reflex, I would reccomend scrolling on down...Don't get me wrong, I love my za-za-down-there...but this is quite extreme.

WHO THE FUCK WOULD WEAR THIS AROUND THEIR NECK??????? Seriously, some feminazi really needs to get a life.

And last but definitely not least...Vagina Earrings. Woof.

Am I the only person who finds this to be incredibly weird and awkward?

The incredibly grossed out,
Jill

I apologize in advance...

2009-03-24T14:57:00.004-04:00

I tried to find something to rant or rave about, but I didn't have much success. Sad day. So, instead of doing that I'm just going to tell you all what I have been up to.

Friday night Rose and I went to Allison's visitation. It was so sad. I couldn't believe that I was standing in front of a casket with one of my best friends from college laying in it. None of it seemed real. Luckily, I had Rose there. I wouldn't have made it without her.
Saturday morning I picked Rose up and we headed on our hour and a half drive to the funeral. Allison's dad did most of the speaking at the funeral, which must have been really hard for him but it made it easier for the rest of us. Allison wasn't a quitter, she didn't give up on her life...he made sure that everyone knew that. Her funeral wasn't all sad, there were some happy and even some funny moments. Made me realize just how much I will miss Allison.

Anyway, I can't talk about that any longer.

Saturday night my roommates and I decided it would be a great idea to go camping. Now in KY, it still gets pretty cold at night during March...but we still decided to go, knowing we would freeze our asses off at night. We went to the Red River Gorge to camp. If you are anywhere near KY you should probably go visit the Gorge, it's great. So, we got out of our cars loaded our backpacks on our backs and grabbed as much as we could in our arms and set out hiking to our campsite. The boys we were with had been out there camping before, so they at least knew where we were going.

We get to where we are going to be camping, which was quite a distance away from the cars, and I notice that the river is in between where I am standing and the place they are pointing to for us to camp. Hold up. How the hell was I going to get over there? Oh wait, that's right...there was a fucking log across the river that they expected me to cross with a backpack, sleeping bag, another bag on my shoulder and crampy legs. Whatever. I sat my ass down on the log and scooted myself across. 30 minutes later...I made it.

The boys cooked for us and kept the fire going at all times. All we girls had to do was sit there, look pretty, and set up our tent.

Overall though, I had a really great time. By the end of our excursion I was doing the Dirty Dancing thing on the log across the river and was just having a great time. It was exactly what I needed to get my mind off of things. It was so nice just to relax and not have cell phone service. I think I'm going to start camping more often!

I know, not very interesting...but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things. I'm still not feeling very much like myself. Hopefully soon I'll get back to the writing entertaining blogs and enjoying writing. But for now, this will have to do.

<3 Jill

Our dear Allison

2009-03-18T14:30:00.001-04:00

I have been a complete slacker when it comes to blogging...I mean, it truly has been a while since I have last posted.
This post probably isn't going to be the most uplifting, and it definitely isn't going to be funny. It might even be considered depressing, for that I apologize.

Yesterday morning I woke up around my normal time. I felt like a truck had run over me. I didn't have a fever, but was just really sick to my stomach. Something like what I imagine morning sickness would be like. Anyway, I felt it was a good idea to call in to work. I went back to sleep then started getting calls from numbers I didn't know. Then Rose called me. I answered. She was crying and said that I needed to call our friend Luke. I immediately called him. He was also in tears, which doesn't happen often. Through all of his tears he told me that a good friend of ours, Allison had died. I was in shock. I couldn't say anything.
Luke, knowing that I don't deal well with things like this just began talking. He explained that Allison had called him Monday night and was depressed/upset. Luke had told her that she needed to come stay the night with him, but she wouldn't do it. She wouldn't take any one's help. Another friend of ours called Allison to make sure everything was okay, she thought that it was. Monday night Allison committed suicide. Every friend of Allison's at one point has talked her out of the depressed mood, and some of them have talked her out of suicide before. I know I have done both.
Allison was such a great person. She stood up for things she believed in, she always was thinking about others, she was genuine. She was one of my best friends and one of Rose's. She was Rose and my third roommate during college. We had great times. We could talk through anything. Allison was one of those people who no matter how long you had gone without talking to her it was like you could pick up right where you left off.
Her death breaks my heart. I'm sitting here at work now, bawling my eyes out. All I can think about is how I'm never going to have a good laugh with her and I'm never going to be able to tell her I love her again. I even had facebooked her Monday night to tell her I was going to be in her town this weekend and wanted to see her. Now, I'm still going to be in her town and I will get to see her but she won't be able to talk or respond to me. I'm going to have to say goodbye.

I didn't tell you all this story to get sympathy, or to get a lot of comments from you all saying "I'm sorry" or "She's in a better place." I have actually turned comments off.
I wrote this for two reasons.
1. I needed an outlet. Somewhere to let things out, not having to worry about anyone seeing me cry.
2. I want you all to take time and be thankful for the people in your lives. You can't take your life, or anyone else's life for granted. You never know if you will get to see a person again. The goodbye you say today, could be the last. You may never again get to laugh with them or see their smile. Hug. Make sure to tell your friends and family that you love them. Don't rush to get off the phone with them, just take time to appreciate the people around you. Care. Ask about their day, talk about dreams and ambitions, take time to talk about things that are bothering them. Please, take today and begin mending relationships that have been broken. Call your friends and let them know you are thinking about them.

I probably won't be on here again writing for a little while. I need some time to get back to normal. The visitation is this Friday and the funeral is Saturday. It's going to be a rough time for Rose and me, keep us in your thoughts. Keep all of Allison's friends and family in your thoughts. She will be missed greatly.

-Jill

please remove my finger from your mouth, kind sir.

2009-03-16T11:22:00.003-04:00

I just want to share something that happened to me Saturday night that I find extremely strange. And uncomfortable.

Saturday night I bar hopped with several of my friends (my good friend from college that I don't see enough, Tessa, and my co-worker, Leigh and a few other less important people). Good times were to be had (and the liquor was definitely flowing).

We ended up at one of the local Irish pubs. Green beer for St. Patty's (it's the first time I've ever had green beer!), a band with a flute, the whole shebang. Leigh, Tessa and I were talking to some guys I know from high school. Said high school friends introduced me to their friend, Dan, who I would say is in his mid-40s. As soon as I saw him I immediately knew who he was. He is on the police force in my hometown and friends with my Dad.

Rose: "Oh! I know you, I'm D's daughter!"
Dan: What? Oh, wow! I haven't seen you in years, you're all grown up! I just love your parents!

Then he starts talking to the guys from high school, "Rose's father is amazing, she's a great girl. Blah, blah, fucking blah." He was obviously extremely intoxicated. And by extremely intoxicated I mean stumbling around and could not focus his eyes.

This is where it gets really fucking strange and uncomfortable.

So Dan grabs my hand. I thought he was going to shake it or something but then he starts moving it towards his face. I just figured he was going to kiss my hand, strange, but whatever. But no...

The mother fucker bit my finger.

One minute I'm talking to him thinking he's gonna kiss my hand and the next thing I know he has my pointer finger in his mouth and he's biting away. He literally had over half of my finger in his mouth. On top of that he bit me pretty fucking hard. Who does that?!

I don't really remember what happened after that. Partly because I was drunk and partly because I was in shock. All I know is I had a bite mark on my finger. I have no clue if I was all "Dude, why are you biting my finger?" or "What the fuck are you doing, you ass cobra?" or I just sat there and took it while he used my finger as his personal raw-hide bone. All I do know is that after he bit my finger I didn't see him the rest of the night. He just disappeared.

Of course as soon as I got home the next morning I had to tell my Mom and Dad about Dan biting my finger. Like me, they had no words. I'm still in utter disbelief that someone bit my finger at a bar.

Not your chew toy,
Rose

kreative blogger, what?

2009-03-14T12:02:00.004-04:00

Thank you Gwen for the award! We just love your blog so much!

Here are the award rules: List 7 things that you love, and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you love! Be sure to tag them and let them know that they have won. You can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard letting the whole world know...you are Kreativ!

This is hard because we've been tagged in several "things you love" awards. We're going to try not to repeat anything!

Rose
1. my record collection and player. I just love the way a song sounds on vinyl (my favorite is probably "The only living boy in New York" by Simon & Garfunkle.
2. sleeping with a fan on no matter how cold it is outside
3. VS panties and bras. I should own stock.
4. the satisfaction of buying something I've pined over for months
5. new hair color
6. the yankee candle scent tahitian tiare flower
7. IDK, my BFF Jill?

Jill
1. My cat, Gusiford aka Gus aka Lucifer aka Lus aka Quentin (he has multiple personalities, haha). He's right at 6 months old...Himalayan Siamese mix. He's adorable. I'll show you all pics sometime soon.
2. French Toast
3. Vintage furniture
4. Going on really long drives in the country, mid-day, windows rolled down and music blaring. It's my favorite thing to do in the spring, summer and fall.
5. Black and white pictures.
6. Passionate people.
7. Arts and Crafts time.

7 People We love...

1. Lolita
2. Shannon
3. Courtney (We're tagging you girls separately. We are dying for new posts and this is way to kick start it!)
4. Christina (You can make it all about sex!!!)
5. Veronica
6. Susan
7. Christina

that poor tree...

2009-03-11T20:37:00.003-04:00

This morning Dad and I were leaving for work at the same time. I got into my car and he got into Mom's excursion.

Our driveway has a turn about and I had parked my car in that in reverse. Just put 'er in gear and go. Well, my Dad pulled up next to the house so he had to back up.

Let me just preface this by saying my Dad sucks driving in reverse. Like sucks so bad that he was backing up one time and hit my sister's then boyfriend's car and then blamed him for parking in the driveway!

This morning I'm not sure why, but he decided he didn't want to back up into the turn around or in the yard. He reversed down our entire driveway which I would say is 50 yards or so long. While he's reversing, I start driving (so our cars are facing each other)

I notice that he's driving pretty slow and starts to veer off of the driveway. I'm not surprised since as I said he sucks at backing a car up. I figured my lights could be in his eyes (our driveway has a hill and I was at the top of it), so I turned them off.

I then see the excursion rock pretty hard and I knew what had happened....

Dad totally hit a tree in the yard. A tree that is at least 5 feet away from the driveway.

Oh, once I realized what he had done I couldn't contain the laughter. Then I see him open the door.

"TURN OFF YOUR DAMN LIGHTS. YOU'RE BLINDING ME. I HIT THE FUCKING TREE!"

Well, no shit. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

I guess that his lights were reflecting into mine or something and that's what was blinding him.

When I got to work I called Mom and told her I thought Dad had hit the tree in the front yard with her car. She told me I was correct, he had. To top it off he hit it hard enough to put a dent in the back panel. Let me just tell you, that excursion is hardcore; it's hit a lot of things and no damage has ever been done to it. It's a tank. Obviously, he had to have hit it harder than I thought.

I told her that I had my lights off and she said it was fine. I asked her if I should apologize and she said not to bring it up. It's been a sore spot for him all day.

Yeah, I'm still laughing.

HAHA,
Rose

barry manilow.

2009-03-10T19:37:00.009-04:00

I'm back from my blogging hiatus. I just needed some time for myself. So this is kind of a pointless post just to say Hi and I'm back! However, you, our dear readers are in luck! I'm going to tell you something funny and slightly humiliating!

So I needed to channel all of my hurt, anger, loneliness, etc. into something but couldn't figure out what to do. I sure as fuck wasn't going to do laundry or clean. So I went to Wal-Mart and while aimlessly wandering around I remembered the button flower bouquets I saw at a vintage store. Needless to say, I bought every single button in the store.

I seriously started putting in hours of time into these suckers. As in I made an entire bouquet, didn't like it, took it apart and started over. I even bought a box for organization and spent 2 hours organizing by color.

Here is a button flower is for those who don't know:
Those are some I found on google. I was actually going to take a picture of the ones I made, but my camera is dead. Bummer.

ANYWAY

I decided I needed to download some sappy sad breakup songs for the occasion. I decided on some sweet tunes by Barry Manilow because, well, there isn't anything much more depressing (plus I had seen a news article similar to this earlier in the day).

Then I started to notice the strange pop-ups for some AdVirus2009 business.

I ended up with a computer virus from a Barry Manilow song.

Specifically, I ended up with a virus from Barry Manilow's song "I Can't Smile Without You." A song I had never even heard. I was just going to download "Mandy" or something of the sorts but when I saw the title I was all "Oh! That song will be PERFECT!"

You can quit laughing at me now

FML. Really? Barry EFFING Manilow? I think the only way the situation could have been worse would have been getting the virus from Barney's "I Love You."

And can we just take a moment to talk about how creepy Mr. Barry Manilow is? His skin is so taught.

Apparently Barry Manilow is to facelifts & botox what Michael Jackson is to nose jobs & skin bleaching.

<3,
Not a Fanilow,
Rose

P.S. I figured out how to stop the pop-ups so I'm thinking I'm in the clear for now. Next time I'm going for Celine Dion.

The ULTIMATE Stink-Eye

2009-03-06T08:00:00.001-05:00

While in college Rose and I frequented a certain, incredibly trashy local bar called Cheers. This bar is attached to a gas station! You really can't get any more trashy...oh wait, except at this bar you can. The people who go to this bar include "bounty hunters" who drive around freezer trucks just in case they end up needing to store things at a low temperature (I'm just saying that I really think they killed people), truckers, dirty men and even dirtier women. And it wasn't a rare occurrence to find someone snorting a line of coke in the bathroom or smoking a joint out back on the patio. The po-po would make nightly stops at this bar...they were always rolling up in there!

However, Cheers was where Rose and I went about once a week. We loved it. There was no reason to get all gussied up, we would walk in with our jeans and t-shirts with no make-up on and still look absolutely gorgeous in comparison to the people around us. If either of our parents had found out that we were going to this bar, our asses would have been grass.
We also made friends with the bartender, who would make us free drinks all night long. Rarely did I ever spend more than like $5 there.

Anyway, once Rose and I started going to Cheers so did our friends.
One night Rose and I decided to go up to Cheers, but didn't really want to deal with the normal crowd that was there so we gathered up a group of our friends to go with us. We walk into the bar and everyone notices us (this happened every time we went in). Rose and I were getting hellos from all the regulars while the other girls with us just stood there in awe of the trashiness that they were about to endure.
We belly up to the bar and start drinking. We are having a great time playing pool, dancing, singing karaoke and getting guys to buy us drinks.

Rose and I were talking when our friend Katie came over to us with a guy. We were proud of her for finding a guy to buy her drinks! Not to be hateful, but Katie kind of looks like the Cowardly Lion from "The Wizard of Oz", so it was a task to find someone who would buy her drinks. This guy seemed nice and all, so we let her continue talking to him.

It just so happens that Katie was also underage. She was 20 to be exact...we snuck her into the bar! This was her first bar experience ever!!

We kept drinking until they turned the lights on for everyone to go home. Luckily we didn't live too far from the bar, so it was easy to have someone take us home or to get someone to come pick us up. So, I'm off making phone calls trying to get someone to pick us up when all of a sudden Rose comes running up to me laughing her ass off. She took the phone from me and said "Jill, you've got to come over here. You've got to see this!"

When Rose gets that excited about something, you know it's good. So, I run over to the bar where all our friends are standing in a circle. Katie is still clinging to her man. Rose says "Look at his eye" in reference to the man Katie was trying to get with.

HE HAD A MOTHER FUCKING GLASS EYE!!!!!!

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. So, I asked him about it. I was like, "Not to be rude, but uhm...what's the deal with your eye?" Apparently Katie hadn't realized that he had the glass eye, because she just got this really confused look on her face. He told us some story about how he ended up with it...I didn't listen or care about what he was saying because I was still laughing hysterically at this point. Then he popped the glass eye out! I was completely grossed out by his eye socket (minus the glass eye) to begin with, then he tried to get Rose and I to touch the glass eye. No thank you.

Well, we finally found a ride and I started to get everyone together so we could leave. Rose came over because she noticed I was having trouble with Katie. Katie would not leave. She said that if we wouldn't take her to a local hotel that Glass Eye was staying at that she was just going to leave with him. WHAT?!?!?!

The hotel she wanted to go to is a local hotel, I don't remember the name of it...but it's even trashier than the bar we were at! Rose got really serious, she told Katie that she wasn't going to the hotel either way and that she was coming with us whether she liked it or not.

Katie threw a hissy fit in the middle of the bar. She started crying. Now, I've cried when I was drunk before...but NEVER over a dude, let alone one with a glass eye! She started saying how he was a really nice guy and that she really liked him and that nothing would happen. It took me, Rose and another girl to pull Katie away from Glass Eye that evening. Needless to say there were a lot of jokes about guys with glass eyes following this incident.

Oh and did I mention that Katie when she gets drunk does this thing while shes talking? Well, Katie when drunk talking begins to move her lower jaw from side to side, while moving it up and down. She looks like a cow chewing! So just imagine Katie, the Cowardly Lion who talks like a chewing cow and Glass Eye. Wouldn't their babies have been pretty?!?! Haha.

Don't worry...there will be more stories about Cheers...a lot happened there!

<3,
Jill

The Ending to Our Story

2009-03-05T10:06:00.002-05:00

So I wanted to share with you all why Sam and I broke up because I'm finally able to. I've been a zombie since Monday night. I've listened to Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" on repeat, I've forgotton how to eat but remembered how to drink, I didn't wash my hair until today, I've taken comfort in the fact that xanax will help me sleep. I've exhausted my friends with the situation. Most of the time it's just crying because I can't actually say anything. Crocodile tears turn into panic attack which turn back to tears. For me, writing this is therapy because these are the things I haven't been able to say. I'm just warning you: this will probably be a lengthy post and at times will make no sense. I do not want negative responses to this post about Sam. I still love him very much and in general think he is an AMAZING person.

As you know, I don't make all that much money, just enough to survive, and I'm okay with that. However, Sam doesn't make very much money at all (if any. He's always gone back and forth between jobs and never one with benefits). It's been a strain on our relationship. If we would go and do something, I paid. I never minded because I loved him. He had a lot of financial strain from a previous marriage (he was the one who continued to pay the mortgage, etc) and ended up filing for bankruptcy and losing his car, home, everything. However, lately, it was starting to take it's toll on our relationship. We would get in stupid fights. Our biggest fight was over what time I would want to go to bed (he was never ready because he would still be asleep when I would get up and go to work). Sam didn't want me to hang out with my family and my family didn't want me to be with Sam. I was pulled in so many directions.

On Monday, my Dad sat me down and said, "I love you with all of my heart and right now my heart is breaking over you.” That was rough to hear. I couldn't hold it together after that. He told me a lot of things he's been wanting to say for six months. Things that in the back of my head I knew (like Sam not holding down/having a job, how I shouldn't pay for everything, I deserve better than that, etc.) Dad told me that it would have been easier for him to say these things had he not liked Sam. My siblings said the same thing. Even my little brother piped in and he normally keeps quiet in these situations. The consensus was "We love Sam, but right now he's not what you need." They've mentioned before that Sam wasn't right for me and I've brushed it off. I think I took their advice this time because I knew it was time.

My mom told me her biggest fear is that I’ll end up like her. She married a man, had a child and had to work 80+ hours a week to support them because he didn’t want to work. Sam is 25 and quite possibly at the top of his game. I’m 23 and just starting. The world has so many possibilities for me right now. I just can’t be the bread winner anymore; I need to be taken care of sometimes too.

So I called him and broke up with him because I knew I couldn’t do it in person. He cried. I cried. I called Jill because I needed her. She got to my house in record time. I drank. I packed all his stuff (which filled my entire car) and Jill drove me to take it to him. I just couldn't stand to see it all over my house. I went in. I said my goodbyes. I cried, he cried harder. He said that he wants to turn his life around and get a job but I'm scared it’s too little, too late. I want to be married, I want a family.

He wants to get out of debt and straighten everything up and get back together. I told him that I can't promise him anything but I can promise that I will always love him. You never forget your first love. He's already working for his stepdad and studying to take his phlebotomy test again(he's taken the class, now he has to take a test , which he failed the first time, and get a job). He called the places where he knew he had debt (telephone, department stores). He found out his debt isn't as bad as he thought. In short, he's done more in the past 2 days than in the past 2 years.

I love him still which makes it harder. I just hope the best for him. I hope he can get a great job and get out of debt and move out of his parent’s house. I just wish that I could have been there with him instead of as a bystander but I couldn’t wait any longer. It’s been 2 years and his life is the same as it was when we started dating and mine is so much different.

So, needless to say, I’m heartbroken and numb. I’ve lost my best friend and boyfriend and it is the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I love Sam with all of my heart and do not doubt that at all. However, apparently love is not always enough. If it was, I would still be with him.

You know, no one has ever loved me like he has. He loves me when I'm at my worst and he has loved me through everything. Before I met him, I didn't think that anyone could love me. He has shown me that I am loveable and has treated me with the utmost respect, love and attention. He was able to break down my barriers that I had placed up so long ago. To be honest, I don't know if anyone ever will be able to love me like he has.

I want him to pass his test so bad, I've been his cheerleader for so long because no one else would be. I want his life to turn around. I want him to be happy and find someone to love. I hope that he always loves me. I hope this is one of those situations that kicks you so hard in the ass that you do change to be with the person you love.

Right now the door to this part of our relationship has closed. I'm not sure if it will open again at a later time. I'm not writing Sam off completely because I do love him so dearly. If down the road he gets his shit in line and we cross paths then yes, I will give him another chance. He knows all this and he knows it will take time. I want nothing more than to spend my life with him and I've known that since I told him I loved him after 8 days.

I told him that we couldn't talk for awhile because the way I see it we have three choices. 1 is to talk all the time but not see each other; thus becoming only friends. 2 is to tell each other the big life changes or happenings and 3 is to cease all communication. We've decided that if one of us has something we HAVE to share with the other then we will. I'm still going to help him find a job. We cried at the thought of not seeing each other. It's been difficult for me not to call him when I get to work and go to lunch. He said at 5:30 he just stares at his phone hoping I'll call once I leave work. I would be lying if I said I didn't do the same thing.

My heart is shattered right now and I have no idea how or when to start piecing it back together again. I just know when I get off work he won’t be there. This is the longest that we've been apart in 2 years. I don’t know what I’m going to do tonight. Or this weekend. I don't know what to do when you're only half of yourself.

I don't know what else to say. If you actually read this, thank you. If you pray, please pray for me, pray for Sam. Even though you don't know our real names, God will know you mean us. If not send good thoughts, vibes, whatever you do. I'm going through my darkest days right now and I don't even see a glimmer of the light at the end of this neverending tunnel.

-Rose

Interview Questions!

2009-03-05T10:04:00.001-05:00

This time, we're asking the questions.

Lil Woman:
1. If you could be any color crayon, what would you choose and why?
2. You've mentioned before you're a fellow smoker, what is your poison of choice?
3. What fashion faux pas have you committed? No worries, we don't judge.
4. What is the correct way to say that you sent someone a text message? Texted them or text them?
5. What is your favorite memory of you and Big Man?
6. What is your name?

JayCee Leigh:
1. You're in a bar, what are you drinking?
2. Fill in the blank: Roses are red, Violets are blue ________
3. What does the G in g-string stand for?
4. If you could do one thing and not worry about repercussions, what would it be and why?
5. If you had to watch one show for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Melissa:
1. What is your favorite food?
2. What is your all time favorite movie?
3. What is your occupation?
4. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be and why?
5. Do you believe there is life on other planets?

A Little Help from my Friends

2009-03-04T11:23:00.004-05:00

I woke up this morning and thought to myself "Good God, is it really only Wednesday?" I had to wake up my roommate just to find out what day it was. I was seriously confused. It has been the longest week ever, already!

Anyway, Rose is going through it. I'm not going to explain what happened or anything because it's just not my place to do it. However, I can say this...keep her in your thoughts. She needs some good Karma to come her way. Rose--I love you with all of my heart. Go on a cruise...or better yet. Maryland July 2009. Consider it.

This may seem inconsiderate because of Rose's break-up, but I seriously need some insight from y'all on this situation...and if you are a guy, I really need your insight (DWP Imma talking to you).

So, I am not a small girl by any means but I'm not a big girl either. I'm somewhere around average sized, maybe a slight bit larger. My size would be comparable to Kailee O'Sullivan.

Anyway, I have found myself completely attracted to a guy who is much smaller than me. I would have no problem trying to date this guy if he were my size or larger. I don't know why I think it's weird. He's probably a good 75 lbs smaller than me...like I said I'm not a small girl. He is however taller than me by a couple of inches. So, anyway..what are y'alls thoughts on this. Is it weird to date a guy who is smaller than you?

The next thing about this guy is that he is 3 years (and for half of the year, 4 years) younger than me. He acts a lot more mature than a guy who is 20. He has several older brothers and grew up hanging out with them, so he has learned to be mature about things. I realize that it's a decision that must be made taking the two people into consideration, but if you were to date someone younger how young would you go?

So, I don't even know if this guy likes me. I just don't want to waste my time on something that could end up being bad or awkward...he is one of my friends, so I don't want to mess up a friendship as well.

Relationships are way too confusing...this is why I tend just to stick to not being in them.
Any help/advice you all have is greatly appreciated. If you want you can send your responses to delightfullyinappropriate@yahoo.com

Thanks a million.
<3,
Jill

hurting

2009-03-03T08:15:00.001-05:00

I broke up with Sam last night because of a million different reasons that I can't get in to right now. It was the hardest decision I've ever made and I'm at a loss.

I'm heartbroken.

We are famous. It's official.

2009-03-02T11:59:00.008-05:00

It has been declared. We are famous! We just got 3 more awards, all in one day by Melissa!

Rules:
List five things about yourself that YOU think makes you SEXY!

Rose: So, this is pretty hard. I’m looking at myself and trying to figure out what is sexy. I think I’m more cute than sexy.
1. My cleavage, depending on the shirt though. Sometimes the girls hang out wayyyy too much.
2. My lips. They are full and luscious.
3. I’ve had lots of comments from my clients saying I have a sexy voice. I get this one: “You sound sexier and sexier each time I talk to you.”
4. When my hair is straight.
5. I have great legs. They are very toned and I don’t even work on them. My little brother even complimented them the other day.

Jill: I don't consider myself sexy...but I'll play along.
1. I play hard to get without realizing I'm doing it. Which explains why guys who I don't like end up head over heels for me.
2. My voice...I talk a lot on the phone at work...my claimants are always telling me that I have a nice voice. I actually had one guy tell me that I was on speakerphone and his friend (who was listening) thought I had a "sexy" voice. He also wanted my phone number so he could call and hear my voice, or listen to my voicemail repeatedly...creepy.
3. When I walk I look around. I don't look down at the ground or try not to look at people. When I walk I look at the people and things surrounding me. I think it shows confidence, which is sexy.
4. Since my body is most definitely NOT sexy, I'll go with the tattoo on my side. I think it's sexy. If you don't, sorry 'bout your luck.
5. The way I dress. I don't dress provacatively, unless I'm trying to get free drinks. But I dress the way I want. Sometimes I don't match, and I'm always wearing something that makes you go "hmm" but if I found a guy whose style resembled mine, I'd go for him.

Rules:
List 7 things you do on a regular basis that could become an addiction.

Rose:
1. Water. I drink water like it’s my job
2. Coffee. I’ve tried to limit myself to one travel mug a day because if not I have a major caffeine meltdown in the afternoon.
3. Wikipedia and Google. It’s unhealthy the amount of things I look up.
4. The news. I’m obsessed with the news. I check AOL, MSN, Yahoo, MSNBC, and Fox news at least 3 times a day.
5. Text messaging. I would rather text than talk on the phone any day.
6. Sleeping. I seriously cannot sleep enough. I can wake up, tool around for half an hour and go back to sleep for a 3 hour nap.
7. Lipstuff. I love having smooth lips. Lipstick, lipgloss, chapstick. You name it, I love it.

Jill:
1. Smoking cigarettes.
2. Drinking Diet Coke.
3. Drinking McDonald's sweet tea.
4. Sleeping. I sleep less than the average person. This is an addiction. It's almost like a contest with myself to see how long I can stay up and how early I can get up.
5. Being lazy. Every night after work I sit on my couch watching TV. That's seriously all I do. I might get up to fix myself something for dinner, but that's only if I'm really hungry.
6. Facebook. Self-explanatory.
7. Driving. I drive 40 minutes to work and 40 minutes home. I also tend to drive a lot during the weekends, whether I'm driving or one of my roommates is, I'm on the road a lot.

So, I (Jill) took like 9 years of the Espanol. However, I can't speak, write or understand a word of it. So uhm. If any of you out there speak it let us know what this award means. Something about cool...I don't know.

Anyway, Thanks Melissa for these awards!

Because we are writing this at work, and we have to be careful about the time we spend on here...If you are reading this and consider yourself to be sexy, addictive or cool, consider yourself tagged!
Congrats!

It's kind of like we're famous.

2009-02-27T23:15:00.008-05:00

Gina is giving us our first interview! I feel like we should be sitting in chairs across from each other, very formal, with a camera pointing to us and people coming in to touch up our makeup!

Rose,
1. Team Angelina or Team Jennifer...and why?-Team Angelina hands down. She's edgy. Badass. Totally not the girl next door. Everything I strive to be minus her creepy days (you know what I'm talking about: that kiss with her brother & wearing Billy Bob's blood around her neck)

2. What tv show are you embarrassed to admit that you love?-I'll take Dawson's Creek on this one. I have 4 seasons of it on DVD. I just love the extended vocabulary those darn 15 year olds had. When I was in 7th grade I totally thought it was my life story (even though I didn't have a Dawson character, nor a skank next door or divorced parents or live by a creek...) but yeah, it was totally my life.

3. If you could have any non-traditional pet, what would it be and what would you name it?-Easy. Giraffe. I would probably name him Igor. But then again, I need to see an animal to name it.

4. If you could travel to any era in the past, what would you choose, and why?-I've never been able to answer this question. I can't choose. I'm kind of a history dweeb (But not like Jill is) and I am fascinated by aspects of almost every era. I'm going to say any amount of time between the start of the Early modern period through some of the Modern Era. So 14th century through the roarin' 20s. But I would also like to see the 40s, 60s and 70s.

5. What one fashion faux pas would you rid the world of, if possible?- Well, I think that if you can pull it off then wear it. I have somewhat of an eclectic style, so who am I to judge? However, the one thing I don't think anyone should own would be those black liquid leggings. Seriously, those things look like shit on everyone. If you don't know what I'm talking about, see below photograph. If you own said liquid leather leggings, please dispose of it immediately.

Jill,
1. Is there one song that always makes you happy/energized no matter what? If so, what is it?
Yes, there are several songs that always make me happy/energized no matter what.
Here's the list:
-D.A.N.C.E. by Justice
-Smiley Faces by Gnarls Barkley
-Strict Machine by Goldfrapp
-Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show
-You Wreck Me by Tom Petty
-Canned Heat by Jamiroquai
-You got Yr. Cherry Bomb by Spoon
*I can make one hell of a playlist...this list could go on and on for days*

2. If you could sleep with any celebrity and no one would ever know, who would you choose?
Hands down I would choose Johnny Knoxville. He's really hot. He has tattoos. He's funny. I bet he'd be good in bed.
And here is some eye-candy for you girls out there!

3. If you had to watch one movie at least once a week for the rest of your life, what would it be?
I would probably choose one of the "Freaks and Geeks" movies, like Superbad, Knocked Up or Pineapple Express. It would be a hard choice. However, for now...I'd probably go with Superbad, but any of the "Freaks and Geeks" stuff would do.

4. What is a talent you wish you had, but aren't even close to having?
I wish I could Kayak. I think it would be a whole, hell of a lot of fun. Except for the whole rolling thing. I would probably freak out. I've never even attempted kayaking. I also wish I could paint. I tried for a while, but never actually made anything worth keeping.

5. What choice have you made that you are proudest of?
I am very proud that I went and graduated from college. Neither of my parents went to college, and they struggled to make careers for themselves (though now they are both in great careers). I love learning, which is why I chose to go to college...but now that I've graduated I'm proud that I ended up sticking with something for 4 years.

If you want to be interviewed...just let us know and we'll come up with something for you!

<3,
Rose and Jill

Honey, I'm home!

2009-02-27T09:12:00.002-05:00

Sam called me this morning and told me the best story I've heard all week. And yes, although we've been major slackers, this will be a *FUF* post.

Sam is currently living with his parents due to financial issues from a divorce (I was a dirty mistress, sort of. They were in the process of getting divorced when we started dating). His family has remodeled the basement and made a couple bedrooms and a tv room out of it. His cousin also lives with them. There is an entrance to the basement around the back of the house. This is normally left unlocked (Sam & his cousin have lost their keys).

He heard strange noises last night. He looked around and thought it was his cousin coming in from her boyfriend's house and she had turned on a tv. Then he heard someone calling his name. He looked up and there was a man standing in his bedroom (who had obviously come in through the unlocked basement). He realized who it was; it was his friend Mark. Mark works for Sam's step-father and he thought that maybe he had come to help his step-father do some things around the house. Then Sam looked at the clock and realized it was 4 in the morning.

"Mark, what the fuck are you doing here at 4 in the morning?"
"Dude, I need a ride home and quick."
"What? What the hell is going on?"
"I'll tell you in the car, just come on."

Sam and Mark get in the car. Mark proceeds to tell him his FUF story of the night:

Mark had gone to Country Bar which is a club/bar type thing in Big Town. He then ends up absolutely smashed and starts talking to a girl. I guess there was some sort of chemistry because ol' girl decided to take Mark home. They get to her house and they start making some sweet, sweet lovin'.

Mark hears a door open and a man say "Honey, I'm home." Ol' girl was MARRIED and brought a man home while her husband was at work! Needless to say, Mark flips out. He scrambles to put on his pants, shoes & sweatshirt on (leaving his t shirt, boxers & socks behind) and gets out of the house. (I'm not sure if he goes out a door or what, but I assume the husband didn't see him).

He gets a good look at his surroundings and realizes he's about 5 miles from Sam's house. Fearing for his life he runs the entire way to get a ride home. He took the path of least resistance and ran through horse farms, people's yards, woods, etc.

Yes, I'm still laughing about it. Here are the reasons:
1. Who says "Honey I'm home" these days?
2. He went to Country Bar and wore a sweatshirt? I'm kind of surprised they let him in.
3. He left his socks, boxers & shirt behind. Like she can cover that one up. I see the conversation now "Whose boxers are these?" "Honey these are YOUR boxers." "BULLSHIT. I don't wear that brand!"
4. He ran 5 miles. 5 MILES to safety. I would have hidden behind a bush and called Jill to come get me. Fuck all that running.
5. Can we just talk about how he had to run through a horse farm? I'm telling you, he passed through some rough terrain.
6. I like to think he jumped out of a window. That is how it happened in my mind. I hope I'm right.

Brought to you by the letter "G"

2009-02-25T12:22:00.011-05:00

Gina...you were right when you said I wanted to do this. I most definitely did!

Hopefully I'll be able to finish this before Snuffaluffagus comes around the corner or Bert and Ernie try to make me sing some stupid bathtub song...or Oscar tries to throw trash at me. Sesame Street scarred me for life.

I got the letter:

1. Grass...no, not the kind you smoke. Just think of a nice spring day...70 degrees outside, sunny, bright green grass. I love it.

2. Galoshes I will wear them with anything...seriously, anything.

3. Gentlemen...actually, I really just like men. Alot.

4. Google What did we ever do without Google? Seriously, whoever came up with this idea was a genius.

5. Graffiti I love everything about it. However, I do not do graffiti. I'm not talented like that. This was my favorite piece of graffiti in my hometown, before it got torn down. I was suprised that I could actually find it on Google, of all things.

6. Good I like all things good. Go figure.

7. Gevalia Honey Ginseng Mint Tea Loves it. Seriously, if you haven't tried it, you need to.

8. Gnomes of the lawn species.

9. Good Foods Market & Cafe If I could buy all my groceries here I would. They focus on natural foods, organic foods and whole foods, plus they buy from Kentucky farmers. Oh and they have a sushi bar.

10. Gingersnaps Mmmmm. Tasty.

So, this was hard. However it was really fun and it kept me busy while at work. Comment and let us know if you want to do this and we'll give you a letter.

<3
Jill

brought to you by the letter M

2009-02-24T08:03:00.025-05:00

Gina (among others) did this amazing post where you're given a letter and you have to pick your top ten favorite things that start with that letter. I was given:

1. Markers- specifically permanent ones. especially Sharpie Permanent Markers with Extra Fine Point

2. Music - I love to make mix cds. I will make them for any and all occasions. I once made one entitled "the best mix ever" and it seriously was. Everyone agreed.

3 Movies - either at home or at the theater. I like to cuddle if it's at home and sneak in contraband candy (and once a Qdoba burrito) if it's at the theater.

4. Make up - especially MAC. I can't get enough of it. I could wear a new eyeshadow every day for at least a couple months and never wear duplicates.

5. Matrix hair products- Especially the Biolage Hydratherapie line. It smells so good!

6. Magenta - or any color pink for that matter

7. Mittens- They are cute. Enough said

8. Making things - I like to think I'm crafty. However, the things I make always turn out diffrerently than I want them too. This would be the main reason why I shop Etsy.

9. Museums - Yeah, I'm a nerd. Some of my favorites include: Anne Hathaway's cottage (The one who married Shakespeare, not actress), well, everything in that town (Stratford Upon Avon), Tower of London, etc. Pretty much every museum I visited in England. Oh, and I like the Chicago Field Museum. Don't even get me started on my love for castles...

10. Marlboro Menthol Lights

Let me just say, this was a lot harder than I thought it would be. It was fun & amusing though. Comment if you're interested in doing it and I'll assign you a letter!

<3
Rose

Short and Not So Sweet

2009-02-23T14:41:00.004-05:00

I.HATE.MONDAYS.WITH.A.PASSION.
-Jill

p.s. Today has sucked big monkey balls.

F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S

2009-02-23T11:15:00.013-05:00

Under the Influence gave us the Fabulous Award...though we know we are fabulous, we like to hear people tell us on occasion...but doesn't everyone?!?!? Thanks!! We love it!

First, we have to list five things we are addicted to:

Jill:
1. Diet Coke
2. Marlboro Lights
3. McDonald's Sweet Tea
4. LUSH products...I love them all (I recently went on a $150 shopping spree there...oops).
5. Sleep

Rose:
1. Non-fat vanilla chai lattes
2. Marlboro Menthol Lights
3. Sushi. And those salads with ginger dressing. And onion soup
4. Text messaging
5. Blogging!!!

And because everyone loves to hear how FABULOUS they are (and we are lazy, give us a break...It's Monday)we tag EVERYONE!

<3,
Rose and Jill

riiiiiiiip

2009-02-22T00:29:00.004-05:00

I'm sure almost everyone who reads this has seen the Sex & the City episode "The Drought." As a mini refresher course, it is the one where Carrie farts while in bed with big.

Well, that happened tonight. Sam and I were in bed and HE farted. I noticed his tummy was rumbling quite a bit tonight but didn't think anything of it. Now this kind of thing normally isn't a big deal. We're going on two years so we've seen the worst of each other: puking, farting, diarrhea, etc. You name it, we've seen the other do it.

Until tonight. Sam ripped one while we were actually *ahem* doing the horizontal boogie. He was on top and riiiiiip . I just looked at him and once I figured out it wasn't me, totally busted out laughing. Sam on the other hand was mortified.

After a couple minutes of laughing he was all "Did I kill the mood?" and I was all "Nah, it happens, let's try this one again, tiger." I mean, when the going is good for me I might as well continue. One little fart didn't phase me.

UNTIL this:
Sam was all "I'm about to come" and riiiiiip. Laughter followed. He was all "Damn. I know I killed the mood this time." Then when he was getting off me I heard the riiiiiiiip again.

I just got out of the bed and walked to the bathroom. I figured it would be better to laugh in there instead of continuing to laugh until I cried in his face. He followed me in there and I told him that I didn't care and at least I could get a good laugh out of it. He just said "Please don't tell all of your friends about it." I assured him I wouldn't and immediately got onto the computer. This shit was too good to keep bottled up inside!

He went home and I sent him this message "Um, when I walked in my room it totally smelled like fart. Thanks a lot."

I'm seriously still cracking up while writing this post. I just can't quit laughing. It was movie quality, seriously. I think it's a good thing that I can find the humor in the most awkward situations!

In love with a stinker,
Rose

cuteness

2009-02-21T22:37:00.008-05:00

A big thank you goes to Mrs. Cullen over at Symphonic Discord. She/They gave us an award because our blog is "adorably cute." Everyone needs to check out this blog; it's written by 8(?) women, is simply amazing and is funny to boot!

We're still not sure if this means the layout or content. Well, whatever it is, we're going to pass it on to blogs we think have good content and that we like.

1. KT
2. Anne
3. Lil' Woman
4. Miss JC
5. Gina

If you didn't get the award, it doesn't mean we don't think your blog is cute. Because it is. We just chose 5 because, well, it takes forever.

<3,
Rose & Jill

Happy Friday!

2009-02-20T15:54:00.000-05:00

Happy Friday.
Never in my life have I been so glad to see the weekend.

As Rose said in her post earlier today I went to the gyno yesterday. So, keeping with the theme for the past few days I figured I'd tell you that I'm completely normal. No horrible crampage, no problems with my birth control...nothing. Other than this raging yeast infection (sorry boys, I'm sure you wanted to know that).
My advice to all you women out there...get an IUD! That is unless you already have vag problems...then it's a bad idea. I got an IUD a little over a year ago, it makes periods easy and you never have to worry about taking a pill. It's great. Of course there are risks and it hurts like a bitch to have it put in (gives you a false contraction), but it's worth it. The thing lasts 5 years! No little Jills will be popping out of me for a while!

So, now that I'm done telling about my IUD and how normal my za-za-down-there is...I'll leave you a special picture to begin your weekend with. Have a good one!

Your unbelievably happy because it's the weekend,
Jill

Seriously

2009-02-20T12:31:00.002-05:00

Yesterday the entire office got an email that looked very similar to this:

Subject: Flowers
Body: ____ received a bouquet of flowers yesterday that are now missing from the front desk. If you have seen them, or know there where abouts, please let me know.
Thank you,
Receptionist

Ok, first of all, who steals flowers?

Apparently this guy I despise does. He said when he was leaving for the day he saw them on the front desk and they said our company name (probably so flower guy would know where to send them... what a dipshit). So he figured they were free game and took them home to his wife. I assume he took the tags off of them and that little note card where you write 'Oh I love you, Pookie. I'd just die without you' or whatever people write in them these days.

He left for vacation the next day so obviously wasn't at work. Another woman in the office (his wife's best friend) had to go to his house, get the flowers and bring them back to work the original recipient.

Man. I'd be pissed if I was the wife and my husband brought me flowers and was all "Hi honey, I bought you flowers!" and it turned out that he stole them from work and someone had to come get them. Geeze.

Seriously, though. Who steals flowers? Especially that in bouquet form from a place of employment with a card in them?

Thankfully not my flowers,
Rose

A dose of STFU

2009-02-20T08:38:00.005-05:00

I get this text message from Jill yesterday: "I just went to the gyno. There was a bag behind the front desk with your name on it."

I called her back to let her know that it was because of the killer cramps the last couple days. I called my doctor to let her know that my period STILL has not started (5 days after the cramps started and now I'm on my next month of pills), I've felt like dead girl walking because percocet wasn't touching the pain, my hormones are obviously out of wack because I cried watching the Beyonce video Diva (Let me tell you, I was all sorts of torn up over her apparel decisions) and worst of all, I have acne like a teenager.

My doctor and I talked about it and decided the LoEstrin is obviously not for me so she switched me to FemCon (the reason for said bag). I'm going to try this for a couple months and if it doesn't help with the pelvic pain, we'll have to move on to more drastic measures (Lupron injections/ possible laprascopy).

So the first thing that has me intrigued by this FemCon is the fact that it is chewable. Really, a chewable birth control? Those are like the smallest pills you can get. It took all I had not to pop one of those suckers out and chomp on it to find out it's flavor. I decided to read the pamphlet and it says if you want to chew it up you have to drink 8 ounces of water (not exactly what I want to do first thing in the morning). So this morning I swallowed it, but it still let my mouth all minty; like I had just used mouthwash.

I talked to Sam about all of this (the steps we're taking to get rid of my pain) and he was very supportive (I think he's getting tired of rubbing my back every night for hours.. It doesn't necessarily help with my cramps, but I let him think it does. It just feels so good). During our conversation about all parts girly, I told him I needed to go to Walmart to get Midol (Maybe since percocets don't work, this will. Yeah right!). This is how our conversation went:

Rose: I need to go to Walmart for some midol.
Sam: What? Aren't you supposed to take that like every single day? Why are you just now getting it? Shouldn't you have some on hand?
R: Um, I guess you can take it every day, but it's mostly for period related issues. I'm just going to take it when I'm on my period like I used to when I was younger.
S: Well, I think you're supposed to take it every day. Maybe that is the reason you're always having cramps. It might even help with your mood swings
R: How about you take a nice dose of shut the fuck up. I will kill you.

See, perfect example of a mood swing. Came out of nowhere. He was trying to be helpful and I was trying to figure out what I could kill him with in my bathroom.

Does anyone have any experience with FemCon for endometriosis pain, Lupron injections or Laproscopy? If you do, please let me know about it. If you would like, you can send me an email to delightfullyinappropriate@yahoo.com instead of posting in a comment.

<3,
A moody Rose

my fickle foe

2009-02-18T11:35:00.001-05:00

Dear PMS,
You are suck a fickle bitch and I truly mean that from the bottom of my violent hormone filled heart.

I realize that you're extra pissed this month because I started LoEstrinFE, but just to let you know, it's no picnic in the park for me either.

I'm curious as to why month after month after month you decide to send raging hormones through my body that I cannot control. On top of that is it really necessary for the bloating, the horrible cramping, intense mood swings, bouts of crying for not reason and otherwise out of control behavior? I didn't think so either.

I know that there is some 16 year old girl somewhere out there crying just BEGGING for you to come visit her. You've made a mistake, you came to me instead.

I retreat. I'm waving the white flag. I quit. You win, you always do. Now, can you PLEASE for the love of a 6 pound 8 ounce baby Jesus in golden fleece diapers just go away so I can have my sanity back?

<3,
Your hormonal friend Rose.

Window Shopping at Work

2009-02-17T16:16:00.006-05:00

First of all...here is a sale you won't be able to pass up girls. Sorry DWP, you most likely won't find anything on this exciting today. Eyes Lips Face Everything is like $1. I bought $30 worth of products this morning!!

I went "window shopping" this afternoon to break up the monotomy of work...These are the things I found that I want! Too bad I'm broke!!

This umbrella has Rorschack Inkblots all over it! I love white umbrellas anyway, but this one is just good. It would be wonderful to brighten up a dreary, rainy day.

Tray 6 Design Lab

Junior Drave Gina Ino. I need this purse. It is imperative that I get it!

Bluebee.com

I have a slight obsession with anything and everything Christian Audigier. I especially love anything Ed Hardy.

This scarf is really "cheap" as things go for Ed Hardy. $43.36

Planet Punk

I don't normally wear gold...but I love this necklace. It can be customized with your initials! I love it.

Danielle Stevens Jewelry

I couldn't get the picture for these amazing motorcycle boots to work on here...but here's the link anyway.
The shoes I want are on the home page for this website, you'll see them on a girl on a motorcycle.

Click below.
Aren't they pretty?

I sure hope that not everyone is as bored as I am at work today.

<3

Jill

The Sink Squirrel

2009-02-16T23:09:00.010-05:00

This could be one of those infamous verbal vomit/TMI Rose posts.

I came home from work early because I wasn't feeling hot. I called my Mom to tell her I was leaving work because I was having God awful period cramps. I used to have bad period pain and leaving work early because of it is a big deal. She told me she would great me at the door with a percocet. (Yeah, how flippin' sweet is that?)

Anyway

I pull up in the driveway and see the plumber. I know that our water hasn't been getting as hot as it should so I figured that was the reason he was at the house. First words out of my mouth "Is the water on?" My mom said yes and if I needed to go I would need to use her bathroom as the plumber was in mine. Well, shit. I forgot all about my leaky faucet (it's been leaking for like a year) and that was his reason for the visit. My Dad didn't tell me, so my bathroom wasn't as clean as it should be.

Right in front of the bathroom door where I had left them were my panties. Classy, no? At least it was a cute pair of skivvies. I just slyly kicked them towards the hamper. I know he had to have seen them because they're bright pink and say something about dancing. Oh well.

Anyway, since Mr. Plumber had already taken everything from under my double sink I figured I might as well inform him of the clog in the left sink. (thus sparing him a trip of seeing yet another pair of my discarded drawers). What I failed to mention is that it's been clogged for as long as I can remember and that would be the reason my face wash & toothbrush are on the right side.

Anyway, I went and took a nap. When I woke up from the nap and went into the bathroom I noticed my bathroom trash had been taken out. "What kind of plumber takes out the trash? I guess that's a nice, but very strange gesture" I thought. I went on my merry way downstairs and asked my Mom why Mr.P had taken my trash out.

Her response: "He had to get a snake to clean out the hairball the size of a squirrel out of the sink. He brought it down because it was so much and he wanted to show me."

Holy. Shit. I know I lose a lot of hair in the shower (I fish what I endearingly call "The Wookie" out every couple months, but from what I hear that is fairly normal for people that have as much hair as I do). But seriously, a hair ball the size of a squirrel in the sink? How the fuck does that even happen? I've never washed my hair in the sink. I pretty much only use my sink to brush my teeth and last time I checked I didn't have hairy gums.

I just don't get it.

<3, An unknowingly, obviously balding Rose

P.S. He also found one of those fish tank marbles. Not sure how that got down there. Or the last time I had a fish for that matter.

Weekends In Kentucky

2009-02-16T09:57:00.004-05:00

This weekend was a great one...I didn't get drunk and I didn't do anything extraordinarily exciting.

I play bassoon in a local concert band, we practice every Thursday night for a couple of hours then have concerts about every 3 or 4 months. Well, I went to rehearsal Thursday night like usual. We have an announcements portion of rehearsal which normally is just updates on the older members of the band who are in the hospital or not doing so well. Anyway, this older woman (probably 65 years old) stood up and said that she had an extra ticket to our local philharmonic's concert for Friday evening. She wanted one of the band members to go with her. You could hear crickets in the silence. So, what did I do? I acted excited and told her I would go with her.
So, I started off my weekend with our local philharmonic's concert. It was absolutely fabulous. If you ever want to have tears brought to your eyes by one piece of music. Listen to Beethoven's 6th. It isn't the most popular Beethoven Symphony, but in my opinion it is one of the best.

Saturday morning, I went to my Uncle's funeral. I found out that my 2 of my uncles are in the Ferrier Hall of Fame. Now for you non-Kentucky people, you might be asking why this is a big deal...Ferriers shoe horses, horses are a big deal in Kentucky. Anyway, here is a link to his Obit...if you are really bored and want to read about it. Don't worry...you aren't going to figure out who I am, we don't have the same last name, and he lived in Miami, FL. http://www.miamiherald.com/news/obituaries/story/904944.html

So, after the funeral my younger brother and I went shopping to get his girlfriend some perfume for Valentine's Day. We shopped around Macy's for an extended period of time. I spent most of my time at Lush (the best store ever). I bought a whopping $130 worth of stuff from Lush. It was worth it.
My brother also started hinting around that he wanted to get a hotel room for him and his girlfriend, but because he doesn't have a credit card he couldn't get one. I ended up getting him a hotel room...at a discounted price because I knew the girl at the front desk. After the fact, I couldn't believe what I had done...I had just gotten my little brother a hotel room. Either I'm the coolest sister around, or I'm completely stupid. I don't know which one it is.

Valentine's Day night Rach, Meg, Sam (Meg's BF) and me went on a drive...we drove around in the country with the windows open, smoking cigarettes and listening to music entirely way too loud. Oh the things you do in Kentucky when you are bored. We drove along the Kentucky River for about 45 miles...I have no clue where we ended up, all I know is that we had a great time.

Sunday, I cleaned. I cleaned all f'n day. Then Sam (Meg's BF) decided that he needed to have a bonfire. I had never been to one, so I agreed to go.
There were 4 girls there, with like 15 guys, the funny thing being...they were drinking raspberry wine. The girliest drinks ever.
Imagine this...a huge bonfire, hay bales set up to sit on around the fire, lots of boys dressed in Carhartt coveralls, drinking bottles of girly wine. I had a nice chuckle. Oh they were also listening to Indie music. I swear, I have the weirdest friends. I just sat there listening to everyone talk, while drinking my sweet tea.

It was a fabulous weekend, like I said...nothing extraordinarily exciting, no drunken debauchery...just good ole' Kentucky fun.

<3,
IDK, your BFF Jill?

bummer.

2009-02-16T09:53:00.004-05:00

For the first time in my life I didn't want to go into work today. When my alarm went off this morning I thought to myself "I really don't want to go in today and deal with everything." It's not that I despise my job, my heart just isn't in it. Don't get my wrong, I am grateful that I have a job in this economy with benefits and all that it entails.

I now know why I didn't want to go in. I got called into HR this morning. I didn't get my dream job (forgive me for not telling you what the position is, but it would give away who I am). HR Lady explained to me that it was because I didn't have the experience they wanted, which I already knew. She told me that they had well over 100 applicants; some with with every single qualification they wanted. I saw a resume on the printer last week and looked over it and it was perfect.

HR Lady said that the woman choosing the applicant hadn't made a final decision, but had conducted all of her first interviews and is working on second interviews. I didn't even get a first one. I just wish I could have at least had an interview; I felt that would prove to her that I was willing to do whatever it takes to gain this position. HR Lady also said had the opening been for an assistant position instead of associate, I probably would have the job.

HR Lady is setting up a time for us to meet with Boss Man next week. When I told him I was applying, he mentioned that he would do whatever it takes to get me in the position I want. So, next week we're going to discuss how to make that happen.

I have a feeling that I'll be working 2 jobs around the office, but I'm okay with that. I'll do whatever it takes... I want the job that bad. At least I'm able to do some other things around here to gain the knowledge I need so I will have a greater chance the next time an opportunity presents itself. There is still hope for the future.

At least now I can wear the uber cute outfit I was saving for the interview.

<3,
A still (somewhat) optimistic Rose

i won this battle, sucka.

2009-02-13T09:13:00.007-05:00

Kids, take note. This post my actually be beneficial for you if you ever have a run in with:

THE LAW

When Jill & I were 20, we worked at a coffee shop. Almost very night when we got off work (and the nights that we didn't work), we would head to Ruby Tuesdays for happy hour. We went to hang out with out co-workers and bosses for ~~booze~~ conversation. All of the staff saw us so often, they thought we were 21 and would always serve us drinks (and give us free ones). We would often close up shop about 15 minutes early to head over to get our drink on.

Anyway, on to the story:

I was cruising through town when I saw the lights of a cop flashing behind me. Shit.

First off, when he pulled me over I didn't know what to do with my cigarette. Do I throw it out the window and risk getting a ticket for littering? Do I scramble to find a cup? Where the fuck are all my cups and bottles? Should I just put it out on my freaking floor mat? I ended up slyly throwing it out the driver's side window when I saw he was approaching my passenger side.

"Miss, do you know why I pulled you over?"

I immediately knew I had been speeding. I didn't want to admit to it so I just looked at him quizzically.

"You ran the stop sign back there."

Thinking to myself: Um, no I didn't. Pretty sure I came to a rolling stop. Maybe not a complete stop, but definitely a rolling one. I was going about 45 in a 25 but if you didn't catch that one, you're a sucker.

"Oh, I'm sorry." I said

This is where it gets good.

"I'll need to see your license, registration and insurance."

"Ok." I said. I fumbled through my wallet and found my license. Then it was on to the insurance & registration. I looked in my glove box and panic set in. There was no way I was going to find it. (My glove box highly resembles my purse)

I did the only think I knew to do. I gave him the entire contents of my glove box, napkins included. He looked at me in a way no one has ever looked at me before. It was a mix of -- Is she serious? Is she drunk? Is she just dumb? WTF did she hand me napkins for? NAPKINS for Christ's sake!

When he started walking towards his car I asked "Am I getting a ticket?" "I'm not sure yet," he replied

Oh, it gets better.

The next thing I said was a great example of Rose's verbal vomit: "If I get a ticket does that mean my insurance is going to go up and cost more each month?"

Looking at me with his head cocked to the side like a confused puppy: "Um, Miss, I'm not really sure. I suppose it depends on your insurance carrier."

Just. Can't. Stop. The. Verbal. Vomit: "I hope it doesn't go up. I'm still on my parent's insurance because I'm still in college. They would be very upset if I got a ticket and raised the insurance. I wonder how much it will go up?"

He goes to his car and comes back. "You won't be getting a ticket, Rose. Please make sure to stop completely at stop signs; especially when they're right next to a police station. You might also want to consider throwing away all of your old insurance cards and just keep the registration and 1 insurance card in the glove box. You handed me your insurance statements from the past 4 years as well as 10 napkins."

That will forever be known as the day I unknowingly confused and flustered a cop enough that he decided not to give me a ticket because he thought I was an idiot.

Rose: 1
Small Town Cop: 0

Delightfully Inappropriate

The Iliad: Ted Edition

Fucktard drivers piss me off.

That's WINIFRED...not Winfrey as in Oprah...

stupid broken organ.

the un-tag

quarter-life crisis

hey, pretty lady. won't you give me a sign?

<3

I need ooh la la la la

Fall

Sitting there...waiting...take me on back...

worth the wait.

blogging fail.

Anchors Away!

long time, no blog.

Am I going to die?

First time in Over a Month...

*Expose Yourself*

The things you see...when you don't have a gun.

25 Inappropriate Things About Jill

25 Inappropriate Things.

analytics

Balt <3 Amour

Best Conversation EVER.

the psychic.

1 girl + 1 cup = Sonic Drive In

Perfection

keepin' it classy.

Feliz Cumpleanos

Getting Lucky in Kentucky.

Ladies and Gentlemen...

I blame facebook.

heeeey there jilllllllian

I moved!!!

The point of the matter is...

Queeeens of Awe-summm

Da Baddest Bitch

potluck!

Going to the chapel, FUF style.

Things is getting crazy!!!

it just doesn't get any better...

the AR cheating ring.

i suck at life. or at least blogging.

Threading!

May Day

guilty

Don't cry over spilled milk....or ping pong

smooth

100th!

lucky number eight

Bitches, I'm Back!

blowjobs and bathrooms

at least I got a drink out of it.

help us!

Well, it's time again...

Easy Money: Snail Herd at Home!

finally at rest.

Here is a lovely waste of 2 minutes...You're welcome =]

bad things really do come in threes

the green gorilla

I'd hit that...

Batter OUT.

({*}) For mature audiences only...

I apologize in advance...

Our dear Allison

please remove my finger from your mouth, kind sir.

kreative blogger, what?

that poor tree...

barry manilow.

The ULTIMATE Stink-Eye

The Ending to Our Story

Interview Questions!

A Little Help from my Friends

hurting

We are famous. It's official.

It's kind of like we're famous.

Honey, I'm home!

Brought to you by the letter "G"

brought to you by the letter M

Expose Yourself

cuteness